I write this in deep gratitude for my divine lover, you know who you are. I feel so grateful our paths have crossed, I know it was part of our souls journey, meeting you was like pulling a joker card. The moment I first felt you I knew we had met before and that we were meant to have experiences together in this life. I saw your strength and beauty and also the pain that you carry, I saw you as whole.
I am so grateful for the way you could hold me when emotions were souring through me. I love how I could trust you to not overstep my boundary, you have no idea how much that meant to me and the healing process for everyone past, present and future who ever had or will have a boundary overstepped. I love how you could accept me even though you thought I was a bit loopy.
I am so thankful for the clear mirror you were for me, how I could see all my wounding come to the surface and not project it onto you. How I could be fully responsible for all that I was experiencing no matter how painful it was. I loved how I could share my deepest darkest pain with you and feel so small and broken.
I appreciate how we could accept and not try to change each other. You pushed me slightly physically and I you emotionally, but we honoured the other totally. In previous relating I notice how I would try to fix and change the other to become what I thought was necessary for us to be happy. With you I didn’t need to do that, I saw you as whole.
I love how we were 100% honest with each other, that there were no games to play, only our true selves to be. I also love how that meant it was time to part because we didn’t want the same as each other. How we could honour our own needs and not get lost in something else. This is a big one for me, it was very easy for me to go along with what was there because it was SO precious, but ultimately I wanted more and I knew I had to walk away from this to make room for what I want to enter my life. I love how you also honoured yourself and what you wanted.
My experiences with you have healed me on such a deep level and I know it has been nourishing for you too. I bow to you my king, you will always have a special place in my heart. I saw the divine in you and I know you saw it in me. I am also aware that we were mirroring the divine within ourselves. My meeting with you was a deeper invitation to learn through and follow the path of love, to recognise the beloved in everyone and not confuse their personality with their divine nature.
May we all find the path of love where we see the divine in ourselves and others.
Fear seems to be rife at the moment. Fear of covid, fear of the vaccine, fear of the system, fear of it crumbling and I imagine fear happens when we don’t feel safe, when we don’t trust, when we don’t feel we have choice and when we can no longer control.
The nervous system of the planet is recalibrating, so is ours and it is not pleasant!
I feel this within me too, do you? I feel that my fear is moving to the next level. There is huge resistance to the fear, like a fear of the fear, a fear of letting go and surrendering to what is there, a need to hang on and control. And isn’t it interesting how we may want change but it is also SSSOO comforting staying with what we know, even though it’s painful. This very strong part of me does not want to change, nope, no need, everything is good ie everything is know! And this other part of me is calling me to surrender the fear, to feel it all, knowing that this is my path, the ever unfolding journey of my soul.
Feeling it does not happen all at once, my body once told me that there was no way I could cope with that, so it unfolds slowly, at just the right speed for me. It also happens in just the right way for me. Today when having a TRE session with my teacher I noticed I was doing an exercise and a fear of getting it wrong arose. I voiced how I felt to him and that in itself was enough to release it for me. Often I fear rejection and withdraw and ultimately reject myself, but by voicing what I am experiencing I am no longer rejecting myself any more. I could feel quite a shift in my body and the movements I was making.
Yesterday I had a singing lesson and was singing a whole song feeling cringeworthy. I was fearful that those sitting outside would judge me to sound awful, worried about anyone who could hear me and slightly worried about my teachers judgement. My teacher was great and told me I just needed the song in a different key to suit me which really did work. Feeling into it afterwards though I am going to ask her next lesson to look me in the eye and say: Lisa that sounded horrendous, I imagine those people sitting outside must be cringing having to listen to your terrible voice. I have never heard anything so awful in my entire time as a singing teacher. I will then feel what that feels like, notice what happens in my body, I imagine it will be quite healing to hear from her what I am telling myself anyway and to face the fear that is there.
Every morning I wake up with a feeling of fear. I judge that to be bad. That I should be free of fear, all enlightened or at least it shouldn’t be there all the time. I mean, if I was somewhat enlightened I certainly wouldn’t be feeling fear every day, it would just be a now and again right? Surely I would be feeling love and joy most the time. And I am learning to love the fear, not try to push it away, but to embrace it, feel it, hold it, talk to it, breathe into it, give it what it needs, express it, surrender to it, let it move where it wants to move and accept it as part of me and nothing something separate.
I know my fears are not my enemies and something to be pushed away, but my wounded self that is trying to protect me from feeling something a younger me could not cope with. A wound that I chose to heal in this life individually and collectively.
We all have fears, it is part of being human, let’s no longer resist them but accept and share with ourselves and each other. I would love you to reach out and share your fears.
I was thinking how close England were to winning to European Cup recently and how the words coming home are used. How excited everyone was at the thought of bringing it home, how we gathered in communities to support the team and how many emotions were brought to the surface.
I reflected on my own journey of coming home to my truth. How I also need community and support but ultimately it is a journey only I can travel. I see more clearly now that everything happening in my life is part of my journey. I thought about the 6 or so years of being anorexic and remembered how painful it was for me to get though every day, writing these words is brining up emotion of sadness and I now know that these pass as they just have, I am not my emotions, they are meant to move through me.
I see how everything that has presented itself in my life is a reflection of my unconscious beliefs. I see how I co created scenarios with others only to prove that I couldn’t trust them when ultimately I was the one who as abandoning myself. I see how my longing for love and connection with another is a reflection of my internal longing for love and connection with myself. How everything that is happening outside me is a reflection of what is happening inside too. I have known this in my head for a long time but it now feels as if I have embodied it at a much deeper level. Training in Holistic Pelvic Care really helped me come more fully into my body and in particular my first and second chakra. I am quite good at physical boundaries these days and it helped me be able to set more clear energetic boundaries for myself.
I have decided to take September to go deeper into self love and care. I am used to getting stimulation from outside myself via phone, email, social media etc and I am closing those doors. I am looking at what I want from a lover and I am giving ALL of that to myself. When I open the inflow of pleasure through my skin I know that no-one can touch me the way I do. And I am opening to receive though the divine as the greatest lover of all. I am also noticing that everything that triggers me on the outside is an invitation to go within and see what I need from myself.
Feeling called to join me? Please get in touch
I suppose in the past I thought that a divine lover would enter my life and even though there would be challenges to work through the majority of it would flow and be easy. And I suppose if I had integrated my wounds to the extent that they didn’t show up in my life that may well be the case, but I am not there yet.
I read the book Attached recently about attachment styles (really recommend). There are 3 types secure, anxious and avoidant. Being single it was easier to think that I may well be much more secure these day, I mean I’ve done loads of work surely entering a relationship I will act more like this and that rather than what I did in previous relationships (last one ended 5 1/2 years ago and a real wakeup call to look at myself). So doing the test I came up quite high on secure, also some anxious and a few avoidant. Reading the book gave me a lot of insights into attachment theory and how it is much easier for an avoidant or an anxious to be with someone who is secure attached as the secure can support them in having their needs met. However anxious and avoidants tend to attract each other and I know that is my pattern. I could also see how I in relationships after a while became avoidant because my needs were not being met and I think in the time since my last relationship avoidance has played a part in my being. It really surprised me that more than half of the population have secure attachments!!! I obviously never come across them or when I do I am just not interested due to my attachment style.
So divine lover has not been in my life for a little while. I was not feeling that my needs were being met, I felt that was a reflection of my not good enough wound. I wanted more than his circumstances were allowing. It felt empowering (but very difficult because he touches me in a deep way) to say no to something that didn’t feel right. Anxious people tend to put up with a lot and blame themselves, in the past I would very likely have just continued receiving the amazingly tasty crumbs that I felt I was getting. However while I was reading the book Attached he got in touch and told me his circumstances had changed and we decided to meet. He stirs something deeply inside me, I fancy him a lot, we both want the same (I imagine), I feel safe and held when I am with him and so much more. And I am frightened that what I am feeling is my attachment wound. That I “should” find someone who is secure attached who can fulfil my needs. I have a story based on something he did in the past that his attachment style is avoidant. Maybe I am wrong, maybe that’s my imagination and not the truth I suppose time will tell.
When we were together I was able to ask for what I wanted, to say pause, stop, more this, less that etc. I did not go into shutdown which I did the previous time because I gave him authority over my body. I noticed how my body could relax and open knowing that I was capable of creating that safety for myself and knowing that he would honour that. I am noticing that he does not want to control or own me and noticing that a part of me still wants that. I also imagine that if he got too close too fast I would most likely want to run a mile.
I noticed that in our message interaction after meeting I was checking my phone to see if he had replied. I noticed that I pretended not to care and consciously didn’t check messages, when I did his was the first one I really was looking for. I noticed that I felt really ashamed about that and imagined he would not want to be with someone so needy. I took some time to be with it and breathe into it asking myself what I really needed. The answer was to own this wound and share it with him. It feels far less vulnerable to post this on my website and not know who will read this than to tell him directly. I suppose I don’t have vetted interest in you in the way I have with him. My toes are curling at the thought of him reading this. I think I will tell him before posting. The other answer was that I do not need him to respond to my messages within 30 seconds but I do need to be with my wound and I do need to have my needs met in our relating.
So divine lover is showing me myself. He is the most amazing mirror. He shows me my darkness and also my light. I see such strength, beauty and vulnerability in him and I know that is within me too.
MAKING MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF OTHERS
I was lying in bed this morning when my dog Izzy came in. As normal she came to the side of my bed to be stroked. I was tired and needed more rest and normally I would turn away from her and she would accept this but today she was licking her mouth and I noticed that I imagined something was wrong with her, that she was feeling anxious. She has had a lot of ailments and I notice that I often find it difficult to know what do to and feel responsible for her wellbeing.
I lay onto my back with a hand on her and started to connect my breathing. I know that this always brings me to presence and helps me integrate what I am experiencing. I noticed some anxious tension in my stomach which is often there when I awake. I noticed that Izzy lay down next to me. I noticed that being young I felt responsible for my parents unhappiness, that it was my fault. I sensed that I felt responsible for not being breastfed by my mother, again that it was me that there was something wrong with. My mother is a daughter of an alcoholic father and an emotionally shut down mother, she has shared with me, and I sensed being present, that she is able to feel what is going on around her and adapt so that others achieve a specific outcome. I was taken back to being my grandmother at the age of 6 when her mother died in her arms. I experienced the blame that she took on for her mothers dying. There was a lot of emotional release and, as you can imagine, Izzy was absolutely fine, just being a beautiful mirror to me yet again, showing me what I still need to integrate.
Later in the day my daughter asked me a question and I imagine my answer triggered her as she said “I knew you would laugh”. I noticed myself wanting to make her feel different and even said something that I imagine changed what I imagined she was thinking (can you see all the imaginations here?!!!). Again I took some time to breathe into this and the same wound arose again. How I am wanting everyone to be happy and feel good so that I can relax. How it actually causes anxiety in me when others are not behaving and being in a way that fits into my beliefs. How I believe that we need to be in a certain way to everything to be “good”. My son has been in pain for over 10 years now and there is guilt around my part of that. If I had been a better mother and not so fucked up he wouldn’t have been in pain, he wouldn’t have had to be addicted to drugs for many years, he wouldn’t be this, he wouldn’t be that………. I also project this guilt onto my daughters but the stories are different.
I know consciously that I am not responsible for anyone else’s experience yet unconsciously there is still a belief that I am. I imagine it is part of my journey to integrate this wound and it may well take some time. These days I can be present with it when it arises and love and hold myself through it rather than shut it down or even be totally numb to it. Writing this I am feeling very grateful that I am able to feel so much. Often I judge myself to be the cry baby and too emotional, I also know it is one of my superpowers. It is through my emotions that I can integrate my own wounding and help clients too.
ARE YOU BEING SET UP?
Did you know that every time something or someone upsets you you are being set up? Who or whatever upsets you is showing you what you need to integrate. They are just the messenger, and how many times have we heard: don’t shoot the messenger!!
Now that sounds pretty easy but it isn’t. We are not taught how to respond, we are taught to react. It sort of feels better if we blame someone else for how we are feeling too. In the last few days I have been triggered several times and I would like to share one of the experiences so maybe it can help you too.
Someone sent me a message sharing that a video I had done was boring! That I needed to change x, y and z to get peoples attention etc. Little Lisa got super angry and wanted to pick the message apart and argue how everything he had said was wrong!. I had heard a story about how a female horse kicks a male horse into place many times before she lets him close and I could feel my hoof wanting to touch his face! I reached out to women who would understand me and support me in how I felt so that I could justify that I was right and he was wrong. I did know that his message was well meaning but I was struggling to get out of the drama triangle, perpetrator-victim-rescuer.
I replied to his message in a little Lisa way even though I had given myself some time to think it through. I was on my high horse of feeling angry, not accepted and misunderstood. I was pretending that I didn’t want to shoot the messenger, but I did!!!
An amazing friend Kieran offered me a process to go through to acknowledge little Lisa but also help integrate the emotions. You may want to try this process yourself. Grab a pen and paper, it’s important that you write it down rather than just think your way through it.
Step 1, what do I feel? Feelings will tend to be our younger self triggered.
I feel angry, misunderstood, not valued, disrespected, unloved and unsupported.
Take some time to acknowledge, thank and respect those feelings, we don’t want to wrong our younger selfs, we want to be able to hold them unconditionally. Maybe some communication between your adult and younger self is useful too.
Step 2 answer the following questions
I think …….
I believe ……
I choose ……
These help detangle and integrate the limiting beliefs that are causing the reaction. The most usual limiting core beliefs are (and maybe a combination of) I am unlovable, I am not enough and I can’t cope with whatever life brings me.
So I answered them
I think he doesn’t understand me, he sexualises women, that I need to do things differently.
I believe I am not enough and I need to change. Boom there it was. The limiting belief that I was not enough had been triggered and it hurt!!
So I choose to send another message telling him that I realised his message made me feel that I wasn’t enough and, even though there was some truth in my reply, it came from Little Lisa who was wounded.
STEPPING INTO TRUTH
I am being guided to step into leadership and it scares the hell out of me. What if I can’t give people the answers they want? What if I mess up? What if people don’t receive a “good|” experience bla bla bla. All reflections of the not good enough wound and the belief that I am responsible for others peoples experience. And while it is great to be aware of these beliefs that are holding me back it’s not so good to keep them running the show.
I recently wrote a letter to myself about all that I admired in myself. One theme that kept repeating itself was that every time I feel called to do something, feel terrified and do it, something deep happens inside me. A feeling of returning home to the truth of who I am. That could be expressing my truth to someone when feeling frightened of how they would react or doing something daring like becoming a tantric practitioner. It could also be sharing something in a blog that felt shameful and vulnerable and knowing that whoever read it may judge me. I sometimes notice that when I share a blog I judge it to be “wrong” which in reality can’t happen because it is me!!!
The Somatic Consent community has hugely supported me be me, all of me. The calls that we have every Saturday morning have changed me from noticing that I “should” be feeling like someone else to what I feel is perfect and welcome, no matter what it is. During today’s call I got triggered by Matt (teacher) to start with and then the rest of the group. I went into all sorts of stories and reactions and then a space was created for me to share that which felt sssssooooo good. Awakening the hands also helps me self regulate and calm my nervous system.
Last week I attended a breathwork session with the amazing Bas. I noticed a lot of resistance to “being told what to do”. This is a huge theme for me a the moment and I am seeing how this is guiding me into leadership. Both Bas and Matt were supporting me (and others in the group) from a place of love and care however I was venturing into emotions of being controlled, doing what I was told to and having to do what was right for others and not me!! I released a lot of emotions when I could really feel this during the breathwork, and when Bas said I’ve got you Lisa (noticing emotions writing this), I knew and felt he was holding me in his heart. He was supporting me, not telling me what to do.
Today the whispers of my soul told me to step into leadership. That I am feeling called because at some point in my life I longed for someone to lead me. I longed to be led by someone who had my best interests at heart, who could hold and love me unconditionally whatever I was experiencing and not tell me how or what I should be feeling, doing, being. So I am doing my best to do that to whoever finds me, be it clients, friends or a tribe. I am drawn towards creating a conscious community in the North of England. Do you want to join me?
What are you feeling called to do? It’s ok to be scared and not get it right we are human and everything is a learning experience. Let’s create spaces and communities where we can grow together side by side in a way that wasn’t possible when we grew up.
SHARING YOUR FANTASIES
This is a fantasy shared by a friend and lover of mine. He shared that he previously thought fantasies were something he wanted to happen in reality and has realised that this was not the case, that fantasy can go beyond the need for reality.
I notice with clients that sharing their fantasies can be extremely healing, that could mean just expressing or talk about the posibility of acting it out. Please get in touch if you want to explore this. Enjoy reading this fantasy and notice what you notice about yourself.
The COVID ban is lifted and I am walking down a street in a new European city. The sun shines and I am thirsty, so I sit at a table in a café at the side of the road.
A waitress approached my table. She is brunette, elegantly dressed in her late 30s, full breasts, tight blouse and hips that move like a ship on the sea. She looks at me and instantly I know that there is a lot more to know about this woman. Her high heels click over to my table and she asks me what I want. She looks into my soul and I know that she is not asking me what I want to drink. She holds my stare for too long. I order a beer. When she returns I flirt a little and a look of decision crosses her face. She returns with another beer and I sit in the sun for another 30 minutes, drinking and watching the world go by
I notice that she has put the Closed sign on the door. I feel a little faint, so I jump up and ask if I can use the bathroom. I feel light-headed as I walk across the empty room to the back of the bar. I think I hear the front door locking behind me, but I feel very distant. I enter the bathroom and as I am stood at the toilet taking a pee, I hear the door open behind me and then I black out.
I do not know how much later it is, but I think it must be night as I cannot see anything at first. I then realise that I am blindfolded. Confused, I try to raise my hands to remove it, but my hands are held out and above my head, tied at the wrists with what feels like a thick rope. I cannot move. I realise my feet are tied as well and that I must resemble a large X. Suddenly I realise that I feel cold metal against my back and buttocks – I am naked. I strain my hearing to see if I can hear anything, but I hear nothing at all. Strangely, I know that I am not in physical danger, but a shiver of fear mixed with excitement shakes through my body. I sense there is no point in shouting out, there is no one to help me.
After a few minutes, I hear a door open, and I hear high heels on a hard wooden floor, walking very slowly and deliberately across the room. I can hear the swish of nylon legs cross over each other as someone walks deliberately towards me. I shiver as the steps get nearer and nearer and they stop right next to me. I smell a thick strong perfume, feel hair brush my shoulder and then I hear a soft, but firm voice in my ear whisper “You are safe…… but you are OURS”, the words dripping with sensuality and determination. I cannot speak in response, but a little bit of my head wonders why she said ‘ours’ and not ‘mine’….
I sense and smell the room, it seems large and I can smell warm wood like a loft or attic on a warm day, but I can see no light. Then from somewhere else in the room I hear one word from a different female voice… “ours”. I turn towards the sound and listen hard. Then a few seconds later, I hear a third female voice from another part of the room … “ours”…. Then a fourth… ‘ours’…..
These voices must have been sat around the room as I hear three people stand and walk towards me, high heels clicking slowly across the room until I feel all four of them very close. Then suddenly I feel eight hands on my body, like electric shocks, I cry out at the simplest of touch, fear, excitement, stimulated instantly, and despite the situation I am amazed to feel the blood go to my cock and balls.
As my cock starts to swell I feel a pair of hands grab my balls and squeeze, firmly. I feel a thin cord like a bootlace against my skin briefly and then I feel the cord wrap
SELF WORTH AND EXPANSIVE PLEASURE
I had a realisation this morning about myself and I therefore imagine that many others will experience the same even though they may not yet be conscious of it. And we are all different so this may not be the case for others.
There is a direct correlation between my self worth and the expansive orgasmic pleasure I experience. This is connected to my feeling of safety.
Contractive orgasmic states are different from expansive orgasmic states. Contractive based, as the name applies, is created by contacting while moving towards pleasure, often we stop breathing and the focus is to orgasm. This can be a clitoral orgasm or an orgasm from internal stimulation ie g-spot, p-spot, a-spot or anal. After a peak there is a loss of energy and it can take time to build it again.
Expansive orgasmic states are different which I am still exploring and therefore don’t have all the answers embodied but some of what I have experienced so far is: There is no beginning or end, I am always in a state or orgasmic bliss, all I need is my breath, sexual anatomy and awareness to drop into this, I am doing it right now. When I stay with areas of pleasure and instead of stimulating, contracting and holding my breath but gently touch or hold, relax and breathe deeply, the orgasmic pleasure stays and radiates throughout my body.
If I meet areas of pain, numbness and resistance again I gently hold, relax and breathe holding myself unconditionally through my experience. But this can be sssooo difficult as I often find that a part of me wants to move towards the pleasure, doesn’t want the “bad” bits. This links into the lack of self worth. If I truly loved myself, all or myself I would be able to love unconditionally all parts that I am. Like a mother loving and holding her child when she is joyful and happy but also when she is in pain and despair. I also notice the judgements I have of myself here like I shouldn’t experience pain, numbness or shutdown. I should be feeling constant pleasure and every time I don’t it’s an indication of something being wrong with me, a feeling of being broken. Some teachers seem to have all the answers and have embodied it all, who am I to teach when I haven’t? I am a traitor. This not good enough wound is forever arising. And for good reason, it wants to be integrated!!! So giving myself time to fully feel it and stay with it unconditionally really helps me.
The thing is if I am not feeling “enough” and in any way judging myself I am in the unsafe side of my nervous system. Not quite in flight/fight mode, but in a hybrid state that stops me from being able to trust and relax. How can I trust myself if I am “saying” I am too this, not enough that…… I can’t. And if I go down that rabbit hole I have in the past often found myself going towards some peak orgasm because I wanted some form of pleasure, was feeling sorry for myself, was feeling confused and lost. I have also found myself going towards a peak orgasm if I was with someone and my body wanted to stop the interaction somehow (the body is so bloody clever, has wisdom the mind will never understand), didn’t want to go deeper with this person. I used to think it was good to have a peak contractive orgasm, that has changed for me now.
I can see that my own journey over the last 5 years has increased my self worth and also my expansive orgasmic experiences. They have evolved hand in hand, when one part awakens so does the other. The more I can accept and love every part of me, and in particular the ones that are difficult to love, the more I can trust myself and the safer I can feel in my body. The more I know my worth I don’t put up with what isn’t serving me or it falls away. I start believing that I am enough exactly as I am and that I am worthy of feeling absolute bliss. When engaging with other people I can honour how I feel from that place of authenticity, I don’t have to stop hiding the parts I don’t like, I can bring them all to the table and find a way to love them with support from whoever I am with, this feels very vulnerable and key to creating intimacy.
If you want to explore expansion instead of contraction get in touch.
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE REFLECTING?
Most of us know that whatever is happening outside us is a reflection of within. We may consciously want something however keep attracting something different. This is because we are unconsciously attracting what we actually need (not want) to become whole. Not that we are broken, we just all have unintegrated emotions, it is part of being human and why we are here.
I had a conversation with my teacher (male) and another women. We talked about parenting and in particular about being a mother. I noticed that I had judgements about my teacher physically leaving his children at an early age. I shared this which felt vulnerable and scary and at the same time I knew he could hold that space for me. I knew it was all a refection of my own experience with my father and the fathers of my children. I know how I, in the past, have unconsciously chosen fathers for my children that are not present just like my own. The fact that I was judging him was a lesson for me that I have more work to do there, something for me to sit with and feel into.
I am realising that I am still allowing men into my life that give me crumbs. Those crumbs are very very tasty and my imagination is telling me that those crumbs may turn into a beautiful cake one day and that I don’t really want a cake, I am so happy with just receiving crumbs when they are available. And deep deep down there is a whisper that keeps telling me I am kidding myself, but I don’t want to listen. Sunday night during a breathwork session I was summoned to listen. I was told that these relationships were reflecting my not good enough wound and as long as I allowed them to be there there was no way of letting anyone in who would reflect that I am actually enough. That I am worthy of all the cakes that I want, that I am worthy of someone in my life who wants the same as me and is willing to show up. So I am closing the doors that don’t serve me and leaving the front door open for
A conscious partnership that illuminates our darkness inside and brings it to the light of consciousness so we both can grow.
A space that we create for each other, held in safety and trust, which allows us to go deep and look within, to create something consciously.
It can be full of ecstasy and pleasure and heart-opening experiences and it can be very uncomfortable because we are helping each other evolve.
A union that touches not only us but also our families, friends, communities and the earth.
A partnership that is grounded in safety, co-regulation and intimacy and and the same time is Divine, by bringing the Divine deeper into our bodies and into the earth.
We are both committed to doing our inner work and making the unconscious conscious.
Every challenge is an opportunity to get to know ourselves better and deepen into Love.
We may trigger each other but it is always in a safe container. A safe space is key.
No one is made to be “wrong” or needs “fixing”.
Today a friend rang me at the agreed time. Within less than 5 minutes she said, got another call let me put you on hold and she did. I stayed with the intermittent beeping noticing how that made me feel. Within a very short amount of time I was feeling a lot of sensations in my body, I noticed anger arise and wanting to go into stories and blame her. I kept returning to my feelings knowing that this was a unique opportunity for me to look at my unintegrated emotions. I kept feeling and remembering, I had often felt like this when I felt that I wasn’t prioritised, when other people were more important than me. I kept moving away from the story and into the feeling. I am not quite sure where I went, I imagine back to a time where I didn’t have the capacity to make a story about anything, when I just felt. I imagine no matter how good a job our parents did there will always be this feeling of going along with what is happening with us and making ourselves “fit in” to survive, a feeling of what they do is more important than how I feel. I find myself returning to that feeling again and again and notice the anger and grief that is still there. This was not about her putting me on hold, it was about me remembering that feeling. I made a conscious choice to hang up after about 12 minutes, she rang me not long after and I chose to answer the call. She apologised and I said no need to, it has been very interesting for me, it gave me the opportunity to feel myself which I do a lot these days. After sharing a bit of more feelings that had happened in my life she told me that when I reached 60 I wouldn’t give a fuck. I am still sitting with that statement because it triggered a few things in me, the first was a feeling of when I reach that place it is better than where I am now, ie what I am feeling now is not “right” or “good enough”, which I can see is reflecting my not good enough wound. Then there is a desire to want to “wrong” her ie you are more shut down than me, it’s good to feel, you need to feel to heal, bla bla bla and there is anger in that charge. Now feeling into that there is sadness and beneath that there is peace. I also feel in my heart that I want to give a fuck, I want to give lots of fucking fucks. My journey is about giving fucks and owning them, returning to the root cause of where they come from and I am noticing that writing this is making me cry because my heart knows this is where I need to return to.
What is your reflecting? What is it teaching you about yourself?
This is a big topic, and books, let alone blogs can be written about this. What I want to talk about in this blog is my trust in men as a woman, this is a topic that is continuously arising for me.
Interestingly my ego tells me not to speak up, not to share my truth, that my story is childish, stupid, that I am the only one that feels like that, that most other women have it more together, that I will get judged and laughed at by others if I speak up and just writing this makes me feel sad and I feel tears wanting to move through me and tension in my body. The deeper I go into myself meeting the truth of who I am the more I can feel and hear the whispers of spirit guiding me, it could be messages from a book telling me it is time to rise, to stand up and speak, or during a breathwork session where I am guided step by step. Recently I was told that spirit speaks through my voice and it’s time to share it, share it all!!
So I am finding myself drawn towards a community where I can be authentically myself. A space that holds and accepts me in all my light and darkness. A space where we come together to see ourselves and support each other moving forward despite the mess that we are and have maybe left behind us! A place where we can learn to care for ourselves first and learn what our boundaries and limits are. How to embody and feel more so that we can reduce the numbness of emotions that most of us have needed to protect ourselves.
Women come to me and tell me stories of men overstepping their boundaries and when I listen to the stories from the other side I can see the confusion and how often these men feel “set up” by women. I imagine both parties are projecting their wounding onto the other and they both want to shoot the messenger.
I have an amazing male teacher who I felt that I totally trusted. However if I started digging a little I noticed there were some doubts, questions, what if, did he, he feels a bit dangerous. I had done quite a bit of training with him but didn’t feel called to take it to the next level. It wasn’t a full yes so I respected that, however when things started revealing itself to me I could see that I was testing him and not consciously aware of it. Part of me was wanting him to try and persuade me to join and if he had I imagine I would have felt pushed and it would actually have done the opposite to what I thought I wanted. Reminding me of my father putting himself and what was best for him first I would have felt the same about my male teacher, ie he wants me there for his benefit (income). He didn’t though, not at all, didn’t even say that he wanted me there (bastard lol), he let me make the decision that was right for ME! I also notice that I want him to tell me how great I am and what a good job I am doing (like my dad never did). He doesn’t, what he does is accept me and all that I am and holds me in that, I am noticing tears and emotions arise when writing this. And he does share what he sees as my strengths with me. I see much more clearly now how I am reflecting and projecting based on my unintegrated emotional conditioning.
I notice, in my interactions with a man that I am exploring with, that him not willing to commit to seeing me because a lot is going on for him at the moment makes me feel angry, sad and rejected. Feeling deeper into that I notice I am wanting him to override his needs to put me first, to prioritise us meeting, to prioritise me. I sense there is also something in there around me being worthy of being a priority to someone else. It is so interesting to explore and feel into what lies beneath an initial response, there is so much gold here and a space where I can start to trust myself.
I explored some beautiful touch today with a guy. We both reached orgasmic states of pleasure through touching each other, it felt extremely beautiful as my body was getting more aroused and the energy moving though me was amazing. We were both naked and when we moved into a position where our genitals got close to each other I could feel myself shutting down and going in to the unsafe side of my nervous system. I knew a part of me was scared that he would penetrate me. I communicated this and he reassured me that he wouldn’t but I could still feel that little doubt, I wasn’t trusting 100%. The day after during connected breathing I noticed that what I wanted during our interaction was for it to be all about me and not about him and his needs at all, that wounded girl in me that wants the other to give me all the attention and not focus on himself.
Speaking and communicating what is arising for me helps me feel safe. These days the guys that enter my life don’t overstep my boundaries, they respect and hold space for me, not because they have become more trustworthy but because I have done the inner work to heal those wounds within myself. And the job is never done, it is a continuous journey of going deeper. I now see that it’s not even about trusting others, it’s about trusting myself. Trusting that I can speak up and say no, stop, pause, I need to talk, whatever it is that I am feeling in that moment. Lets’ not shoot the messenger, let’s rise together.
If you want to join a conscious community to explore and grow in a safe held container look up somaticconsent.com. If you want to explore with me get in touch.
Sounds good doesn’t it? What do those words make you think of? sacred union, a melting of 2 into 1, connecting to the divine, surrounding of golden light, bliss or maybe something completely different.
Those were my ideas of what a divine lover would be like. We would be able to make true love that opens our hearts and heals our bodies. We would be surrounded by golden light and merge with the divine.
When reaching higher states of consciousness through meditation or breathing my divine lover and I both experience these states with each other. In reality in our physical bodies it’s a different story…….
All the wounding that we are carrying needs to be felt and loved to move on to the next level. Let me give you some practical examples of what I mean.
The father represent the backbone, the support that is always there. Unfortunately my father could not even support himself let alone his children. Everything was about his needs, my needs were never considered, only what he thought was best for me. I didn’t feel supported so I learned to survive by supporting myself. I became Mrs I can do it all, super woman, I don’t need help. And I stopped allowing myself to receive support. I started building a barrier. There is also a feeling of if someone supports me I have to give something back. And I know there is also something in not feeling worthy of receiving what I want. Add to that all the ancestral wounds that I carry from women in my lineage not feeling supported and the collective wounding around this. You can imagine there is a lot here!!
So I have to feel that and release that in the presence of my divine lover and allow him to support me and for me to feel supported by him. As you can imagine there are many layers to this and every time I allow myself to feel the grief and anger another layer of forgiveness naturally unfolds.
Another wound is the sexualisation of women. I long to be with a lover who honours me as a sacred being. Someone who doesn’t get caught up in old patterns of goal based sex. Someone who can be with me from an embodied state of presence. When I am on my own I find honouring myself from an embodied state a lot easier than when a man is present. Yesterday we got caught up in old patterns of pleasure based, goal oriented sex. My body was saying no, but my mind was saying yes. After having a peak orgasm my body was shaking and tears were streaming from my eyes. I was feeling all the pain from my ancestors and I was experiencing all the confusion there is around sexuality. Divine lover had to hold the space for me during all of this. Part of him wanted to stop me feeling “bad” and he was also unsure if he had done something “wrong”. We talked about it all, communication is vital, if not we just imagine what is happening for the other person and often that is not their truth.
Journeying with a divine lover is not a dance on roses. It is raw, it is vulnerable and that can be scary. It takes courage and radical self responsibility. And it is also a journey of true love making by accepting and being very kind and gentle with everything that arrises.
IS LIFE HAPPENING FOR YOU OR TO YOU?
Say this question out loud: Is life happening FOR me or TO me? Take some deep breaths into your body give your self some space and notice ……..… What feels true for you?
For me life definitely used to happen to me. It was tough in many ways even though I was not even aware. I was very much living from my unconscious beliefs and I was often occupying myself with the I am not good enough belief. I spent a lot of energy trying to find ways to make myself feel good enough. Working hard, getting a high education, being loving and kind to others, starving myself, working hard at they gym, buying lots of things that would make me look better and the list goes on. No matter what I “did” it still didn’t make me feel enough.
Then I slowly started to awake and was able to notice the patterns of my ego. Instead of being them I could take a step back and see them. My journey took me to being able to love, accept and hold them rather than trying to wrong them and push them away. They are all parts of little Lisa who is struggling and looking for love and acceptance. Next my soul came through and I now know that everything is happening for me not to me. All the experiences I have gone through was precisely what I needed to get me here today writing this blog. I am not here to live a life of pure bliss and ecstasy (maybe another time!!).
I know that everything that is happening in my life is guiding me and then I forget!! I am constantly forgetting thinking that I want this and that, getting caught up in old patterns and beliefs. And then I remember again. My breath, body and my feelings always bring me back to the truth of who I am. Having space and time to drop into myself and notice the messages that are coming though to me. Lyrics from music is a way spirit speaks to me very clearly. Nature also supports me very much and moving to the sea has a real feeling of coming home to me. Interactions with other people are also an enormous teaching for me about myself.
Living a life of bliss is not the same as a life of happiness. Living a life of bliss is knowing and surrendering to your souls journey.
If you need support connecting to your soul and the journey that you are here to embody in this life get in touch.
So we all sort of know that the root of all our problems come from not loving ourselves, but what the f… does that really mean?
As a young adult I did not understand what love was. I needed someone to love me to feel enough and as you can imagine it was never enough. It meant that I lost myself trying to give to others because deep down I felt unworthy of having my needs met. It all happened unconsciously and I wasn’t even aware what my needs were, everyone (including me) thought I was this easy going person that would go with and do what everyone else wanted.
This was a pattern that stayed with me until very recently actually and I am noticing that I feel ashamed to share this. If I am totally honest I am scared that I still have this pattern and am frightened of letting someone into my life to test this out! I can feel the fear in my stomach as I write this. I know that this feeling is my inner child and I am going to take some time out to give her what she needs before continuing this blog.
So I lay on the sofa under a blanket with one hand on my stomach and another on my heart. I feel the fear and listen to the stories in my head: I am frightened you won’t listen to me, I am frightened you will give your power to someone else, I am frightened you won’t speak up. I keep breathing into the feeling accepting it as part of me and really allowing myself to feel it. I use my voice while breathing in a way that feels right for me and after about 5 minutes my kundalini energy starts moving through me. I allow this beautiful sensual energy to move through me and afterwards I feel very peaceful. There was still a little fear in my stomach, very often there is, and that is totally ok. I appreciate every sensation good and bad in my body as for years I have stuffed them down and not wanted to feel them. I will admit that I prefer the good feelings and I am getting better at being with the so-called “bad” feelings.
That for me is an act of self love. Actually sometimes I think it is better if we use the word care rather than love as most of us don’t understand what love really is. So that was an act of caring for myself. I created a safe supportive space, listened to my body and gave myself what I needed. Yes that is reparenting myself. I wasn’t parented in the way I needed and therefore I have to do this for myself. My inner child gets stuck in the hamster wheel and I can gently show her a way off, even if it only temporarily.
I believe it is very important to be kind and gentle to ourselves. The unloved part of us is a young child and we need to tune into what the child needs to be supported in any given situation. Often we tend to project whatever we are feeling out onto others. Someone says or does something that makes us feel “bad” and we blame them. Knowing that everything I experience is just mirroring something unloved and unaccepted inside of me has took me a while got fully get to grips with but I am getting there. I find it very useful to use communication to others to express my reality and also understand the other persons reality. For example a client triggered me today by wanting me to answer questions about my pussy being tight or not. I had imaginations in my head about this guy but decided to share these with him and ask for his reality of what was going on between us. As you can imagine it was different to what I was imagining and this gave me more understanding and sympathy towards him rather than judging him to be something I was imagining based on my previous experiences with men.
Because this lack of love comes from a place of I am not enough I often find that people don’t prioritise themselves. For me it was as if I suddenly reached a tipping point and after that it got easier and easier to do things and spend time just for me. I have “me days” at least once a week. I spend hours in bed sinking deeper into self love, I am getting better at tuning into myself and asking for what I want and I am getting better at saying no to others or comprising to suit myself.
It is very much a personal journey and what works for me may not be what you need but if this resonates with you and you feel you need some support in finding your way towards self care please reach out.
RADICAL SELF RESPONSIBILITY
I have many amazing clients but one in particular has been on a long, windy, beautiful, painful, pleasurable, vulnerable, expansive journey with me over the last few years. If I was to describe him without using his name the words gentle man spring to mind.
So gentle man came to me, I imagine, searching for growth, knowing there was something more available than what he had experienced in life so far. Like so many of my clients he was in a relationship where his female partner no longer was interested or wanted sex. They had a beautiful close loving relationship, more of a companionship but he felt that he needed more than that.
It is very interesting that so many men come to me telling me that they want more intimacy thinking that intimacy means being physically close and connected. When I explain what intimacy really means IN TO ME SEE they find it difficult to go there. And guys I don’t blame you, it is extremely vulnerable to be able to speak your truth and be seen in your darkness and light in your shadows and strength. You have been brought up to believe that is is “girly” to be emotional and vulnerable and that it is “bad” to be girly. I am a women and find it difficult to be seen in my darkness and shadows and I am learning that they are all part of who I am and being able to hold and accept them is a journey of self love.
Gentle man is willing to go there but it has took some time, we had to build trust first. In our early sessions we got caught up in pleasure. Then we progressed into expressing desires and limitations. This did cause some pain and meant that we had to spend time apart before coming together. When we came together again coming from a place of communicating how we felt and being able to take responsibly for whatever was happening between us our bond and trust grew stronger.
We really do live in our own imaginary world. Whatever we are experiencing is a reflection of what is going on inside ourselves. We all have wounds of rejection and abandonment within us, wether we consciously realise this or not. When these arise it is the wounded child in us that is acting out rather than the functional adult. I imagine that the men I see in sexless relationships feel rejected, a wound they are carrying into the relationship to be healed. Maybe the partner feels abandoned and that her needs are not being met, again a wound she is carrying with her into the relationship to be healed. As a women I have felt like that in relationships due to my experiences as a child. I was somehow hoping that the other person would magically know what my needs were and care for me in the way I needed. Things weren’t expressed and I suffered in silence becoming the victim.
Through my journey I now know that the only way for me to find happiness and have my needs met is trough radical self responsibility. Noticing how I feel, expressing it to the other and asking to have my needs met. I also need to be able to say NO to others, which is not easy being a recovering people pleaser. I can only have a clear yes when I have a clear no. I have also learnt that love is inside me not outside and I can give myself all that I need.
So gentle man and I take responsibility for ourselves, we communicate and we honour and respect each other. We know that it’s not all about feeling “good”, feeling “bad” is just as important. We trust ourselves to stay true and do not abandon ourselves and if we slip up we communicate that and learn. Creating this safe space for ourselves and each other we are able to go to some truly magical places.
We often think of orgasm as something pleasurable that happens in the body, normally in our genitals. Yes we can make peak orgasms happen but if we are looking to move into states of expansion and seeing this as a spiritual path back home to ourselves we need to unlock the key to our heart.
It doesn't matter how much we focus on preparing our body for orgasm, if we're not addressing our hearts and the relationships we have with ourselves, the body will remain stuck in old patterns!
Our bodies do have all the answers we need but most often we don’t want to hear them or don’t know how to. We may want to fix, change etc what is there to “make” us feel better. When doing that we are listening to our old beliefs and patterns around not being enough most likely passed down from our parents.
When coming from our hearts the approach is different.
We are parenting ourselves in a way that is kind, supportive and nourishing.
We meet ourselves exactly where we are without wanting to change anything.
We allow ourselves to feel any emotions that may arise.
We hold the space for ourselves or ask for support from others.
We notice all the judgments and voices that are constantly in our head and give them the love and support they need.
We question our beliefs and ask if they are actually true.
We connect with people we feel safe with.
We notice who and what we are attracting into our lives and recognise that is a reflection of what is going on inside our us.
Instead of imagining what is going on for others we become curious and enquire.
We are clear about our desires and limitations.
We start to experience that love is inside us and not outside.
We feel connected to something larger than ourselves.
We realise that the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
We stop abandoning ourselves and make what we feel a priority.
Join me on this journey home.
THE ART OF LISTENING
Do you feel that people don’t really listen to you? That they are more interested in sharing what is going on their life, almost as though they are waiting for you to finish so they and jump in. Maybe they are giving you solutions to your issues when you didn’t ask for them. Maybe you ask for something and the other person agrees to doing it but never does or they don’t do it the way you want it (that forever happened with my kids). Maybe you find that others only listen to you when you have some juicy gossip or a good story. Maybe you find that what you really want to speak about others don’t want to listen do, they may judge you are weird. Or maybe your experience of not being heard is something very different.
And when the table turns are you truly able to listen? Or do you go into any of the above or something different.
For most of my life I haven’t felt truly heard. Actually that is not true, I haven’t allowed myself to be truly heard. And obviously the other side of the coin is that I haven’t been able to truly listen either. I was caught up in my own story of what was good, bad, right or wrong. I came from a very well-meaning place when I gave out advice, but often did it without checking if they wanted my advise. My children have been a huge teacher to me in this area. I have given so much advice and what they took onboard was very limited. And for good reason, how am I supposed to know what is right or wrong for them, that is for them to figure out themselves.
Last week I was sharing experiences with someone, we had 5 min each to share. When I was sharing she started sharing her experience. Now I imagine she did it to support me but Little Lisa felt upset and angry that she was invading “my time” this was supposed to be about me not her. I then noticed that I felt embarrassed about feeling that and was considering if I should just put up with the feeling which I have done most of my life blaming my feelings to to be wrong but also on some level blaming her for not sticking to the rule. However I now choose to be authentic (when I feel safe enough to do this) and I honour how I felt so I shared it with her. She actually really appreciated me sharing and said it helped her too. It was a win win. When we can authentically share and take responsibility for our own emotions and feelings the outcome is normally a beautiful experience even if in the midst of it all uncomfortable sensations arise.
So what does it really mean to listen? It means holding the space for the person you are listening to. Hearing them and being present for them whatever they are expressing. Witnessing them in whatever may or may not arise. Giving the gift of your time and attention. Letting them figure out what they need to do. It is good to check in before what they actually want from you during the time. They may want you to nod your head to show that you hear them, maybe put your hand on your heart to show you feel them or that may irritate them like mad and they just want you to be still. It is important that they as the receiver as the gift know exactly what they want and that may change during the process. It is also important that you as the giver have boundaries that are appropriate for you.
Over the years I have improved my listening skills and the ability to be heard. When I am truly heard by someone I feel that person cares about me and what is going on in my life. I feel valued and supported by them. I feel loved and accepted for who I am in that moment. It feels like I am receiving a very precious gift from them and I am! They are giving me the gift of their time and presence. Holding me like a parent would a child, allowing the child to express and feel whatever arrises. Not trying to fix or make the child feel better but validating whatever the child is expressing. I imagine our parents were not very good at that so we are having to relearn.
I invite you to try this with another person. You could choose a subject or just let whatever you are feeling be communicated. Set a timer for 10 minutes or however long you want. At the end thank the listener for hearing you then swap. After you have done that set a new timer for maybe 5 minutes and this time share your experience, what was it like to be heard and listen? what was easy and what was difficult? Again thank the listener and swap. Play with it and don’t worry about “getting it wrong” most often we have to experience what we don’t want do know what we do want. Enjoy the exploration.
RELEARNING HOW TO FEEL
From before we learn to speak, we are trained to go along with things we don’t want. We are conditioned to believe that what is happening is more important than how we feel about it!!
Seriously get your head around that! We learn to change how we feel to adapt to situations we don’t like. This can be something small but it can also be major like abuse. We have learnt to devalue and ignore our gut feeling and instincts. We can’t hear our internal navigations system and we are lead by others.
These can be really subtle patterns that are very difficult to notice or they may be obvious. My experience is the deeper I go into myself the more I am able to feel. When I slow down, breath and ask for guidance the answers come to me.
Recently I sent a message to a client stating how I felt and asked for what I wanted. The message I got back was WOW, can’t believe you would say that, at least you could have bla bla. Initially I went into the story that yes he is right, I was a bit harsh and maybe I should have written it more softly and been more considerate about how he would feel receiving my message etc. Then I took the dog into the woods and had a chance to feel deeper into myself and realised that I was absolutely entitled to feel and express how I was feeling in that moment, even though the person receiving the message didn’t like it. His reaction has nothing to do with me, he is triggering himself based on his past experiences. I don’t have to pussyfoot around and worry about saying the right things any more. Yes I can be sensitive to others, but what I feel is important!!
I realised that I wasn’t feeling that I wanted to continue a relationship with a friend any more. My mind was saying: you need to contact him and have a face to face or even a phone conversation to explain why and how you are feeling, that is the “right” thing to do. But feeling into what I really wanted was to just leave a message and say I wasn’t feeling it and that I didn’t want to have to explain why. So I left a message asking for that and he accepted that without any resistance which I really appreciate. About a year ago I felt that I didn’t want to see another friend and messaged her. She kept ringing me and even came to the house, which felt like a boundary overstep, even though I did honour myself and not answer her calls or the door. I notice that I have may times felt that I needed to explain myself and be honest even though I didn’t want to. Comes from the same pattern of not valuing my feelings and giving others what they ask for.
I even noticed this pattern with my dog. She is such a good dog apart from on the lead where she pulls. For years I have used a loop around her nose but it didn’t get to the source of the problem. Since lockdown I have decided to retrain her to walk without pulling. It is a similar pattern as her pulling me does not feel good for my body and by allowing her to repeat that patterns I am saying her wants are more important than mine. It is not a hardship for her not to pull on the lead and how I feel matters!!
It really is a journey and I know the right way for me is moving from my centre, moving from my feelings whatever they are and whatever they may make other people feel. It is about me taking responsibility for myself and making me a priority. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for what I want and also being able to say no to what I don’t want. Funny it feels selfish (judging selfish to be “wrong”) to write this and I know it is the only way forward.
Get in touch if you want to join me.
MAKING MYSELF FEEL CONTROLLED
Do you feel as though you are controlled? Even in a subtle way. That things just happen, that you have to go along with things you don’t really want to do. Could be something small like having to take the dog out every day or wash your plate after a meal. It could be getting on the same bus every day or walking the same route to take you somewhere. It could be doing things for other people that you feel you have to for all sorts of different reasons. As if you are on autopilot, you don’t stop up and ask yourself is this something I really want to do and if not what do I really want.
I imagine at a very early age we learn to go along with things that happen in our life. Pre verbal we can’t express when we want our nappies changed, when we are hungry, in pain and who we do or do not want to be touched by. When we are young children and growing up our parents get us to do what they think is best for us and some times that is needed. The other day I was observing a child who wanted to play in a waterfall, the mother didn’t let him to keep him safe. I later saw another child wanting to be carried by his mother as he was tired, she kept telling him that no he wasn’t and that he had to walk.
When we learn that we can’t have what we want we try different tactics to have our needs met. When I was at the dentist recently a 3 year old wanted to go upstairs to the toilet for the second time. Her mother kept telling her that she did need it as she had just been and then looked over to me and told me that she wanted to play on the stairs because they lived in a bungalow. She had already learnt that she couldn’t be clear about what she wanted and had to find another way.
And then we unconsciously take these patterns with us into adult life and keep repeating them. For me the process of bringing consciousness to them has helped me firstly bring awareness to them and then gently untangle them. It’s a journey, it doesn’t happen overnight.
I was noticing very recently that I ended up in a situation where I made myself feel controlled. I knew it had nothing to do with the other person and the situation very much reminded me of the way I used to interact with my ex partner. Funnily enough it also reminds me of my relationship with my father and to some extent brother and mother. I felt angry and frustrated and was arguing with this person trying to be “right” and noticing that my interpretation of “right” was so different to his. We were both in an emotional state and digging a deeper grave for ourselves. I had to take some time to scream and physically let go of all this anger and tune into my needs and what I was feeling. My old pattern would have got me going back to “resolve” the issue once things had settled down, but I was feeling that too much of my energy was being used in the process so I decided to walk away.
I know it will arise again and that is ok. I am willing to take responsibility for my emotions and I have choice now, I didn’t when I was younger. Choice is something I feel very passionate about and will be running workshops in Newcastle.
FEELING MY WAY THROUGH CHALLENGES
If you have read my previous blog you will know that I felt that loving my breasts including my implants seemed to be the way forward for me. In this blog I am going to share a little about how difficult that really is for me.
I have been spending a lot of time connecting and “trying” to love my breasts. Well trying doesn’t work does it, unless you can fake it until you make it, and I feel if I do that I am overriding what is actually going on inside me, so that is not something I want do. I know that my emotions and feelings are a way of guiding me deeper into my true self, bringing up beautiful feelings but also all the not so nice ones I have stuffed down most of my life.
The thought of having my implants removed forever seems to be in the back of my mind. The first time I acknowledged it was when I had to have them replaced 4 years ago. Afterwards I remember crying in front of my daughters because I hadn’t had the courage to remove them and had instead chosen to have them replaced. It also saddens me when my daughter tell me that they have issues about their breasts because of me and at the same time it makes total sense. I am leaning more and more into the fact that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and no one else has anything to do with them ie it is not my fault that they have issues around their breasts, but guilt is still rearing it’s ugly head now and again.
I feel enormous amounts of pleasure in my breasts and I feel the energy between my breasts and vagina. On an energetic level it is very easy for me to tap into this beautiful energy. When touching and massaging my breasts I also feel a lot of pleasure even though the skin has some areas of reduced sensitivity. But there is also a hardness especially in the right breast and also some pain in that hardness known as capsular contraction.
If I was to have them removed I would probably be recommended an uplift by a surgeon but I do not want to do that. They would have to remove my nipple and I do not want to risk loosing sensitivity in my nipples, I suppose I am very lucky that I still have that!! Having them just removed leaves me with huge amounts of fear about what they may look like. How will I be able to accept and love them if they look “ugly”. I can see that choosing this option is an even more difficult than loving what is at the moment. Or maybe it isn’t I don’t know. My inner critic is doing a very good job at beating me up and will probably continue no matter what I do. Isn’t is amazing how good we are at that?
And it is not all bad news. My spiritual journey is bringing me to a place of more love and acceptance of myself. I feel connected to the divine and am able to release what is no longer serving me through tuning into myself, honouring myself, rituals, yoga and breathwork. I am able to connect to my creative flow and know that I am here to be me with all the experiences I am having, including this challenge. It is not good or bad it just is. I have amazing friends who help support me and who will love me no matter what I choose to do. And as I said 4 years ago I didn’t have courage to even think about having them removed so I have most definitely evolved from then.
I don’t feel my implants are toxic bags, I still feel they are here to teach me how to love and accept myself and in some ways I am very grateful. Writing this yesterday I felt I was unsure where my journey was taking me but today I am feeling that removal of the implants and loving what is is the way forward for me. It is definitely not an easy choice but it feels like the right one. It was easier for me to stop wearing make up 4 years ago, last year I decided to stop colouring my hair and let the natural grey come through. Next and biggest so far is removal of my implants and lovingly accept my breasts exactly as they are.
SOMEONE’S POISON MAY BE YOUR MEDICINE
Many of us reach out to teachers, books, courses etc to expand and grow. Yes there is definitely some amazing teachings there however one thing I have learnt on this journey is that what is right for one, may not be right for another. The challenge is to look inside for the answers.
I would like to share a deep and personal story around this that carries a lot of emotions for me amongst them shame in the hope that sharing will help support you in some way by reading it and also help me by putting it out there.
If you have read my previous blogs you will know that I am recovering from co dependancy, love addiction, self hate, wounds of rejection and abandonment etc. I suppose one thing these have in common is that I have always felt there is something wrong with me and I was looking at the outside world for love.
I would spend a lot of energy trying to get it “right” which really meant right in the terms of what I believed others thought about me. I would work hard, push myself through education, thrash myself in the gym so my body would look nice, control what I was eating to stay slim, wear clothes that enhanced my figure but the thing I feel most ashamed about doing is having my breasts enlarged. Just writing the words makes my heart beat faster and my body contract. I will admit that to start with they did make me feel better about myself, which is why I imagine we do these sorts of things to ourselves. And I was, in a very roundabout sort of way, trying to love myself.
But there was this underlying shame that said: you are not real, you are fake, women with real breasts, no matter what size are better than you, who do you think you are showing off something that isn’t really yours. You should be ashamed of yourself doing something like that. Then there were voices creating fear: these implants are toxic, they will make you ill, the reason you are tired is because of them, how stupid of you to do that to yourself. I am sure there were many more comments but I think you’ll get the idea.
Connecting with my breasts through touch has definitely helped me soften my relationship with them but something still didn’t feel right. I was struggling to ask to have my breasts touched by others due to the shame I mentioned and I hadn’t really voiced this to many people. I wasn’t sure if I should have the implants removed, not sure how that would make me feel, but I also felt that having another op would be traumatising for my body and I didn’t want to do that unless I was 100% sure. When I asked my higher self and people close to me for advice the same answer always came back: love them. But how???????
Recently I saw someone on Facebook was preparing to have her implants removed. She posted a lot about her “toxic bags” and how she couldn’t wait to get them out as they were causing her physical problems. I didn’t really want to read much but got tempted, as you can imagine all the fear started to kick in again! And I knew that in itself could cause me to manifest physical issues.
I recently shared the shame I felt with a group of very supportive friends which helped me enormously. A few weeks later I was mediating and sending the energy and love I was feeling out to others. My friends sister came to mind who had recently had a kidney transplant and I sent out hope that she would accept and not reject her new kidney. Then it dawned on me, that was exactly what I was doing, I was rejecting a part of myself because of all these stories I had. My implants are a part of me because of choices I have made in the past. If I can love and accept myself despite all that, including my implants then I can truly love and accept every part of me. My implants are my biggest lesson to love myself. They are my medicine.
Get in touch if you need help finding your medicine.
I AM A PREDATOR
I do feel a little bit of shame around this subject and I imagine it is more shameful for men as it is less accepted to be a male predator.
I know that unless I fully accept EVERY part of me, the so called “good” and the so called “bad” I can never truly love and accept myself for who I am. I also know that behind every “bad” part of me there is a good intention and a part of me that is trying to keep me safe. I have built these walls for a reason and now I am willing to gently break them down.
I check out men when I walk into a room. I also check out women, but that’s another topic for another time. On the streets I do the same, even on social media I find myself looking at photos of guys. I may engage with men for seconds, minutes, hours, months or years until I or they feel it is time to change or let go. My pattern has been that I have made that choice, I imagine I have not allowed anyone to reject me so I made the first move. I have been in committed relationships and checked out other guys, not so much in the beginning when I was madly in love, but when that veil started lifting.
Is there something biological that makes me look to procreate and therefore I am searching? I do think there maybe is something in that and if you have read my previous blogs about peak orgasms I imagine there may be a link between them and looking outside for new potential partners.
But deep down I feel the reason I pray on men is because I am looking for that deep connection with another soul. My previous relationships have not given me what my soul was longing for, I got caught up in co dependant relationships because of my own wounds. These wounds came up to be healed but at the time I did not have the knowledge and resources to heal them. I spent a lot of time looking for someone on the outside to love and heal me. I had a real wake up call 2 years ago which made me realise that I am the only one who can heal myself. Since then my journey has been to go deeper into myself in many different ways. To really honour and treat myself with love and respect, learning that I do not need anyone to fulfil me, but I do need others to help and support me. I want that deeper connection with another soul. I feel the magnetic force inside me drawn towards men. It is scary and vulnerable to truly let someone in and I want it, so I look at men searching to find the one I can go there with.
I must admit that my journey of self love has changed the way I look at men. I still look but I trust that the right person will be brought to me, I don’t have to desperately search any more.
If you pray on women or men I would love to hear your story. I see you, I hear you and I feel you too.
VIP MEMBER OF THE NOT GOOD ENOUGH CLUB
A friend shared with me recently that she had only just realised that everyone else was a member of this club and not just her and a few selected. If you are reading this and don’t know that ALL of us don’t feel enough please know that we do!! Unfortunately we hide it from each other. We feel ashamed to feel like this. This is due to a very deep rooted belief we all have that there is something wrong with us. Our ego has the role of protecting and proving our beliefs.
In my experience this arrises when I compare myself with others and this happens all the time especially with women as they feel more of a treat to me than men. So I either judge them to be better than me proving there is something wrong with me, or I judge myself to be better than them this time projecting the I am not good enough onto them. I obviously also do it to myself. I look at parts of my body or my knowledge etc and judge that to be wrong and not good enough. It is SUCH a deep pattern and not easy to break. Big thanks to my friend Kieran, we have been diving deeper into this together and are working on ways to untangle these patterns. I would like to share a few with you that are working for me.
Knowing we all feel like this helps me feel that I am not alone. I often do forget and have to remind myself. I may be a VIP member but we are all in the club together.
Allowing myself to feel that there is something wrong with me, accepting that this will always be a part of me instead of rejecting and hiding it.
Creating a safe space with others where I can own and share this vulnerable part of me instead of hiding it.
Noticing what my needs are in scenarios where I do not feel enough and working towards being able to feel safe enough to ask to have them met.
When I judge someone have something wrong with them I ask myself: Is it possible that there is nothing wrong with them? My ego normally answers no because bla, bla, bla but after a while I have to admit that yes it is possible. It is totally possible.
When I judge someone else to be better than me I ask myself: Could it be that there is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with them either? Again the ego normally starts to argue but after a while admits that yes it could be.
When I look at parts of my body that I judge to be ugly or ageing I ask the same question. Is it possible that there is nothing wrong with these and it is possible. Very possible.
Noticing that I have choice about my feelings which can help me loosen the feeling. So instead of saying I feel old and ugly when I look at the lines on my face I can change that to I make myself feel old and ugly when I look at the lines on my face.
Working with my physical and energetic body. The body stores everything and tapping into this wisdom and releasing what no longer serves me has helped enormously.
Slowing down and spending a lot of time going into myself helps me. In the past I was always busy and never took the time, other things were always more important.
Allowing myself to feel everything in my body and holding the space for these.
Knowing that I am working with a stuck vulnerable child and trying to find ways that are kind and gentle towards myself. Sometimes I can be a bit rough with myself and I can acknowledge that is the “there is something wrong with me” part in action.
And knowing this is a journey. It takes time and I need to be gentle and patient with myself so I can enjoy the journey and not just focus on the destination.
DO YOU FIND IT HARD SAYING NO TO OTHERS?
The deeper I go on my own journey the more I discover about my true self. I am so grateful for all my relationships that really support me on my personal journey.
At a young age I was taught how to keep the peace. How to keep everyone happy and override my own needs and boundaries. Sorry mum I imagine you won’t like reading this, but its true and its okay. I understand that your dad was an alcoholic and you had to learn how the keep the peace in your household.
Roll on many years and I find myself lost in looking after other people and feeling that no one really listens to me. When I ask for what I want I don’t seem to get it! When I say in a passive aggressive humorous sort of way that I do everything in the house everyone just agrees!! And I know now that I created that scenario. I wanted everyone to think I was lovely, giving, thoughtful, helpful, beautiful and selfless. I wanted to be loved and accepted. I found it easy to say yes to everything and very hard to say no.
I now know that saying no to others is saying yes to me. And it is not easy at all! It is so ingrained in me to override my needs and boundaries to do what is good for others rather than myself. It feels “selfish” to put myself first, it’s “bad” to be selfish and no one will like me.
I have recently realised that some no's for me actually feels in my body like an uncertain yes. I imagine its is my body’s way of looking after me after decades of saying yes when I meant no.
And there is the guilt associated with saying no. I told my children that I was going to start saying no to more things. When I did I felt terribly guilty, that I “should” give them what they asked for. Staying with that guilt has not been easy, but I imagine in time it will. And don’t get me started on asking for what I want. I imagine those 2 go pretty hand in hand.
I recently trained with Dr Betty Martin who created the Wheel of Consent. She teaches how we all learn to go with things from a very early age, the difference between serving and allowing (you are giving the gift) and taking and receiving (the gift is for you) and the importance of bringing consciousness and agreements to this. When I first came across the wheel I realised how I had been serving and allowing others to take from me in many different ways.
Luckily I have learnt how to steer in the direction of knowing what I want, being able to ask for it, be ok if I don’t get it and saying no to what I don’t want. It’s a life long practise. If you would like to learn more please get in touch.
ARE PEAK ORGASMS SERVING US?
I have written about this before but am being called in this direction again. So let’s go a little deeper into what it actually means for me and maybe you too.
I will admit it, I don’t always practise what I preach. I am definitely moving in the right direction of expanding, relaxing and opening, I can reach an orgasmic state just through breathing and not touching myself at all, but I often feel myself drawn back to those few seconds of complete pleasure and explosion.
My body is telling me that the deeper I go into the state of opening and relaxing the more connected I can become with myself and the deeper I can enter myself. I know that by slowing down I am increasing sensitivity and vitality. I know that it creates and restores love in every area of my life.
We are living faster which is creating more stress in our lives. Everything is more fast paced including sex. Reaching orgasm is the goal and sex is often very short lived. We need to engage in sex, solo or with a partner, with increasing ease and relaxation. In taking speed and stress out of the act we can remove the performance pressure that comes with expectations and achieving goals. If orgasm is not the goal we can be fully present in the moment.
When we slow down sex acts as medicine that can resolve long term problems and wounds that cause unhappiness, separation and insecurity. Fast sex continues to desensitise our bodies especially our genitals, orgasm is like a drug. When we have a peak orgasm there is a lot of tension, even though some is released during orgasm, there is still tension left in the body.
We don’t really know how to bring variety and creativity into our sexual encounters. The full spectrum of human sexual experience allows us to consciously choose to make a shift in our sexual ways. We are able to transcend our habits and patterns, we are able to generate and make love in the way we were designed by the Devine. This is a spiritual path. Sex becomes sacred when you honour the intelligence of the body and create a space for the Divine to enter.
I know all this! And yet I still find myself going for that peak orgasm. To go into those states of relaxation I need to feel safe. I have noticed when I am with my lover my body doesn’t go into peak states so easily, I imagine my body feels safe and wants to go deeper with him. With other men, mainly clients its different and my body goes into there pretty quickly. When I am on my own there is no excuse.
Today I got an insight that showed me why I may be stuck in this pattern. I noticed that when I look at men it’s with question “could you be my mate?” When I look at women the question is “are you a threat to me?. If you have read my previous blog you will know that there are beliefs that peak orgasms are for procreation. They can deplete us, both male and female, and disconnect us from our loved ones, making us look outside for new potential partners. And they are addictive, we want more of them. I have been menopausal for a few years now, but am I still stuck in this pattern of procreation and peak orgasms are keeping me there? Its a possibilty worth exploring.
So I am changing the way i approach peak orgasms. I will, for the time being, avoid clit orgasms as they are superfical and most definetly stop me from going deeper. In terms of vaginal orgasms I will explore consiously. I will slow down and be with myself in pain and in pleasure whatever arises. If orgasm happens I will enjoy that and notice if I was present or moving towards the goal. I will also pay attention to how I feel the hours and days after an orgasm and notice if it is serving me. If you want to join me get in touch.
This is a huge one for me. It goes very deep and into all sorts of emotions. I imagine it’s a taboo subject. One I feel a lot of shame around which is why I am writing this blog. Shame breeds in secrecy so I want to put it out there!
I imagine this wound was triggered in me in this life when I was 2 1/2. My brother was born and I went from being a single child to “loosing” my mother in many ways. My brother was very ill which effected my mothers health too and physically she was not there for me. She also suffers from self rejection so it is much easier for her to love my brother who is a boy. Being female meant that she had to reject me too. My dad was and still is emotionally disabled and I imagine that I didn’t feel safe around him.
Move the clock forward 15 years and I had my first experience of feeling jealous. Watching the video Girls on Film made me imagine that my boyfriend would think they were more desirable than me. I obviously never shared that with him, just sat with the punch in the stomach.
Into my twenties and thirties this pattern continued and I was totally projecting my issues onto my partners. I could manipulate and twist situations to make them work in my favour and prove I was “right”. I would compare myself with other women and either judge them to be better than me and therefore reject myself, or for me to be better than them and reject them. There was this sort of feeling of “he is mine and you are a threat”.
It was very much a superficial thing and looks were crucial. What I looked like and my ability to attract attention was very important to me. I valued myself on the attention I received. I had breast implants thinking it was for me, but today I realise that if I had loved myself I would never have done that to my body.
In my forties I started to realise that my jealousy was my problem and nothing to do with my partner. I started to take responsibility for myself and stopped projecting. It definitely stopped some arguments but it was still painful. I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while now and am observing that I am still comparing myself with other women. Thinking why am I doing this? And noticing that it is such a deep pattern that it is totally ingrained in me.
And it is not just in intimate relationships this theme arrises, it can turn up anywhere I question myself. As a therapist. As a friend. As a mother, I could go on. However it is in my intimate relationships that the feeling totally debilitates me. It has the feeling of “there is not enough for me”, “my needs are not valid and I am not worthy of asking for what I want”, “their needs are more important than mine”, “I have to override my needs to please them”. It puts me in a freeze state and I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. It almost feels like I am going to die. Just writing about this emotion brings it up in me. It’s so deep I am sure it goes back many lifetimes.
I want to heal this wound and have been going even deeper into it. I am very fortunate that I am constantly guided as to what it means and where I need to go. I have realised the anger and hate I feel towards women. It saddens me writing this and I want to own it. I hate every woman who has ever threatened me. I am angry at at her for threatening to take away what is mine. To truly love women I need to own my hate towards them. I know I need to express to my mum that I hate her for what she has done. I imagine that will be difficult.
If you want to join me and go deeper into this wound please get in touch.
THE ART OF RECEIVING
I would like to dedicate this blog to Jonathan. Thank you holding me, supporting me, nurturing me, triggering me, serving me and much more. Thank you for making me feel safe to be authentic, to surrender and to receive.
Many guys tell me that they are sexual givers. They love to taste and touch women, to make them ecstatic with pleasure and watching them orgasm is the absolute ultimate. Their pleasure is in the satisfaction of the women’s pleasure.
They are pretty horrified to realise that they are not giving at all, they are taking, which in itself it absolutely fine, but it has a very different energy to giving. I imagine that men have been given responsibility for womens pleasure for quite a while now. I hear women talk about guys being “good” or “bad” in bed, as if it is their job to satisfy us. It makes sense that maybe they have moved from serving to taking to make it more pleasurable for them. That is exactly what I did for a period of time when I was struggling to serve.
You can receive pleasure in 2 ways, through receiving or taking. You can give pleasure in 2 ways, through serving (giving) or allowing. When you are taking you are touching yourself or someone else for your pleasure and the person you are touching is allowing you to do so. When you are receiving pleasure the person who is giving is serving you for your pleasure. I would recommend looking at The Wheel of Consent at bettymartin.org which explains this in much more in detail.
Many of my clients are in sexless relationships and I am asking myself could this contribute to the fact that many women have shut down sexually? If they are being taken from rather than served, even though it is pleasurable for them, what does it actually do? Seeing as I am a great guinea pig for women I decided to explore how I could get guys and women to serve me!
I asked Jonathan: How do I get guys to serve women? Before he responded the answer came to me: women need to be able to receive, there is no way we can be served if we don’t let it in! So it’s actually got nothing to do with you and all to do with me! I should have seen this one coming as in my head I know it’s always about me, others are just amplifying my darkness and light.
The art of receiving is not just for women, I have met many men that also struggle to receive. However because the female is the receptive in tantric love making the more receptive she becomes, the more this enables a man to give more easily. This receptivity welcomes space for his energy to flow from his being, he is invited and received, so in this sense woman have much more power in sex.
I started leaning into receiving and that isn’t easy. To receive I have to feel safe and heard and I need to know exactly what I want, I need to own ALL my desires and be able to ask for them to be met. One of the reasons it has been difficult for me to ask is because I didn’t feel enough, I didn’t feel worthy of my needs being met, I felt that others were more important than me and they wouldn’t like me if it became more about me than them. Shame is also huge in this arena, if we have desires we feel shame around and don’t feel we can express them and lean into these, we end up living in our shadows. To truly let in we need to be authentic and so does the person we are letting in.
I believe that we have lost touch with what our bodies really want and give the responsibly to healers, teachers, lovers etc. The first thing we need to do in learning to receive is tapping into what we desire. I imagine some women want to have a cup of tea made for them or maybe some flowers bought and no pressure to have to do anything in return. I felt (and still do) that if someone gives to me I have to give something back. No I don’t have to give anything back I just have to be clear what I want, enjoy and receive, I am worthy of just receiving.
Last week I received the most beautiful healing session from my friend, she held me, touched me and gave me from her heart. I communicated exactly what I wanted before but also during the session. I received everything I wanted without giving anything in return. It was so beautiful for both of us.
If you feel that you are giving and not receiving enough in any area of your life, the answers lie wihtin in. If you need support to explore this I can help you.
LET'S GET COMFORTABLE WITH PAIN!
I have a client who I imagine to be a pleasure seeker, to be honest many come to me seeking pleasure. He likes fast cars, beautiful women and expensive watches, I call him Mr Bond. Before meeting me he had explored with a few different Tantricas, but they were not giving him what he was looking for, not in that moment anyway. Mr Bond and I have experienced many different types of pleasure, not 2 sessions are the same. He has also assisted me in some deep healing and de armouring which has been painful for me. I am really beginning to love and appreciate pain and the word pleasure is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and irritation in my yoni. Let me explain why.
When it comes to sexuality we in the West have been taught that it serves 2 purposes: procreation and pleasure right? NO! The most vital part of our sexuality it that it can heal us, enlighten us, connect us to the source, oneness, god whatever you want to call it. Yet most people see it as a source of more pleasure. They see Tantra as having sex for longer, expanding into more pleasure, becoming multiorgasmic. And yes that is possible and I will admit I have been going down that route for a while, thinking that everything that was pleasurable was actually good for me. I am not saying that pleasure isn’t healthy, but it feels like I’m unbalanced (that addictive, entitled taste). My dear friend Lady Grey taught me that balance is one of the most important things for us. I sense that to be balanced I need to dive into pain (any unpleasant feeling) with as much enthusiasm as I do pleasure. Pain is good, pain helps us grow and expand. Now this can be tricky as most of us have been brought up to avoid pain at any costs, but it is very liberating. Any feeling will flow through a baby in minutes if you just let it happen and we could learn a lot about being in our natural state by observing babies.
So instead of self pleasuring I now self nurture. That means spending time being present with myself and whatever arrises without having a goal or expectation. There is normally a lot of anger, sadness and pleasure. It’s about showing up for myself and appreciating every part of myself including the ones I perceive as “bad”.
Every action I do (well I will be honest I don’t remember all the time) I ask myself if this is nourishing for me. If the answer is no I may still choose to do it (for many different reasons), but I know I am going against myself. If the answer is yes and I do it I know I am doing what is right for me. Eating chocolate is nourishing, I was anorexic for years and have denied my body so much. It's nourishing to avoid the gym after years of beating myself up there. Its nourishing for me to lean into pain and cry whenever tears come to my eyes. Only you know what is nourishing for you every soul is different.
So when Mr Bond arrived for his recent session he wasn’t too pleased when I told him pleasure was no longer where we were going. Nurture was the name of the game.
TO O OR NOT TO O THAT IS THE QUESTION!
The deeper I go on my own journey the more I am learning about myself. I am very grateful to all my teachers (both those who show me what I do need and those who show me what I definitely don’t need) friends (especially that one in particular, you know who you are) and clients who are supporting me on this journey.
I am becoming more and more sensitive to everything, which I see as a good thing as we have become very desensitised. I take slow and gentle to a level that most people find really hard to understand but I just can’t do fast and furious any more, it doesn’t resonate with my body. It is actually painful for me.
When it comes to sexuality it seems that everyone is looking for pleasure and orgasm. Where can we find the next fix to make us feel good. As women we have been deprived of that for many years and it seems that we are trying to catch up on all the orgasms we have missed out on. There are coaches and courses offering to teach you how to become multi orgasmic. And yes we are totally capable of all those different orgasms and I think it is great to explore this, but are they actually doing us more harm than good? And are they disconnecting us to our loved ones?
It seems that any form of peak orgasm is stopping the act and therefore not letting us go deeper into ourselves and each other. Lets be honest, most often once orgasm has happened it’s game over (even though some of us can go again and again). What if we could continue for much longer and go much deeper? Where could we go? What could we experience?
A peak orgasm takes place in the brain, in the reward centre. And there are some amazing chemical reactions going on there that make us feel pretty good. However the bad news it that there’s an hangover that lasts 14-21 days. During this time we can feel tired, emotional, angry, anything really, but one important reaction is that we feel disconnected to our loved one and want another orgasm to release the pressure, it can be addictive. It is thought that we start looking outside our relationship to connect with someone else. There is a theory that peak orgasms are for procreation and therefore we want to spread ourselves as much as possible.
Could this be why so many relationships are failing and we don’t feel nurtured, rejuvenated and energised? Possibly I definitely think it is worth exploring.
And is there another way? Yes there is. Our sexuality gives us the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves, its a spiritual path. Slowing down, being present, being still with no goal can help us become more sensitive and actually notice what is happening inside ourselves where we have all the answers we need. It gives us the opportunity to be vulnerable with and connected to our lover.
THE AMAZING POWERS OF SEMEN RETENTION
Do you feel tired? Are you suffering from some form of erectile dysfunction? Most of you guys are in a constant state of depletion because you ejaculate too often and eventually it catches up with you. The older you are the longer it takes your body to replenish itself. Under 35 it takes approximately 3 days to recover, if you are over 35 approximately 8 days! Most men ejaculate much more than that, so it makes sense that once you reach your 40’s and 50’s it is likely that you will be suffering with some form of erectile dysfunction. According to Ancient Taoists the most common reason for erectile dysfunction is excessive ejaculation. The main cure is creating more sexual energy without ejaculation.
Now this does not mean no orgasm guys, it actually means lots of orgasms and much more…..
Most people think orgasm and ejaculation for men are one and same, but ejaculation is a reflex and a function of the sympathetic nervous system, orgasm is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. You can learn how to separate these and the benefits are amazing!
By practising semen retention you will be able to manage your sexual response and condition your body so that sexual stimulation can last as long as you choose. Women need between 20 and 40 minutes of penetration to experience those mind blowing orgasms. You will have a deeper sense of self-confidence, knowing you can satisfy your partner.
You are capable of being just as orgasmic as women, but not if you ejaculate! As you know you normally fall asleep after the first ejaculation, even though there are some rare men who can cope with a second or third round. By practising semen retention you can have full, whole body, multiple orgasms, with one rolling continuously into the next.
Increased Sex Drive!
A Chinese study shows that semen retention increases testosterone levels by a stagering 47.7% after 7 days! Not only will you last longer, you will also be harder and more turned on. As testosterone plays a huge part in building muscle, men practising semen retention and weight lifting report an increase in muscle mass too.
We all know that athletes are told not to have sex the day before an important event. It’s not the sex thats the problem, building sexual energy would be a good thing, it’s the ejaculation that causes problems. Every time you ejaculate you are draining your vital life-force energy. Your body gives the best of the best of you to produce a baby. And not just one, you could produce millions every time. No wonder your body shuts down afterwards and needs to replenish itself. Many men are in a state of constant depletion, but you don’t even notice, because that is what you are used to.
According to Taoist Sexual Master Mantak Chia men that practise semen retention during sexual activity double their brain energy. There is also evidence that men experience enhancement of love and affection for his woman.
All of this being said it is important for men to ejaculate sometimes. Different Tantric experts recommend different frequencies. I recommend a man dividing his age with 5, so a 25 year old needs to ejaculate every 5 days and a 50 year old every 10 days. I also think it is important to acknowledge that every man is different and it’s important for you to work out what is right for you.
During your session semen retention is just one of the subjects I will teach you, you will also get some fun homework. For more information please get in touch with me.
Now I know this is a huge generalisation, and in honesty it is actually what I want. However I represent the feminine and imagine many women deep down feel like this even if they might not even be aware of it (I wasn’t for most of my life). I also want you guys to know that I am not blaming you just trying to shed light on areas we can all work on to make us all happier and more connected.
So let’s start with connection. Until I started exploring Tantra I didn’t have a clue what connection really meant. I was disconnected to myself and others. When we truly connect we let our guards down, we become vulnerable, we are seen for who we really are. Every part of us is allowed to be just as it is and we are accepted. We want to be able to connect with ourselves and we want to be able to connect with our partner. We want to be seen, heard and accepted and we want the same from you. We want to see every part of you the good, the bad and the ugly. We want you to be honest (that includes not withholding anything). We don’t want you to pretend to be something you are not. We can’t really connect with you if you are hiding a part of yourself. We want to see you and we want to be seen.
We want to be heard. We want you to help us find our voice. Our real voice, not the voice we have ended up having due to conditioning and beliefs (even though we do appreciate if you listen to that too). Our bodies and particularly our yonis have shut down because we haven’t listened to them. After a while they give up. They become painful or numb and we are unable to experience pleasure. You can help us heal and awaken our yonis again, but you have to follow the voice of the yoni, not the voice in your head or your sexual energy. We know you have been taught to keep pushing and we have been taught to override our own needs. However that just shuts us down even more. An amazing lover can read his woman’s yoni better that she can herself. He can also control his sexual energy (which has other amazing benefits, read my blog about semen retention). You have the ability to heal and open us up, but you have to learn how to.
We want to feel safe to express ourselves. We need you to just be there while we let it out, we might even start an argument. Please don’t bite, just accept us in every moment. We will calm down, come back to you and love you even more.
And probably the most important is trust, we need to be able to trust you. For thousands of years women have been abused, raped and controlled. Those fears are still deep inside us. Help us rebuild the trust between us that we once had. When you follow through on all your promises and commitments we feel we can trust you. We will open and surrender and give ourselves to you. If we fall we need to know that you will catch us. If we let our guards down we need to know you will hold the space. If you don’t follow through on your word we will gradually withdraw (even if its something small you promised like hoover the kitchen). No matter what you promise we need you to follow through. If you can’t keep your promise, tell us, re negotiate, communicate with us. Every single time you are honest about your intentions and you back it up with your actions you build another layer of trust. Our hearts and our yonis open another layer. By honouring your word you are honouring your woman.
I can help you become that man, connect with your woman, bring a woman into your life and much more ❤️
Did you know that when you awaken, reignite and enhance the relationship with your yoni, you do the same thing in your sexual relationship – with both yourself and your partner (if you have one) ?
Your sexual relationship awakens and goes to a deeper level. That’s what we all want deep down. To have that juicy, heart-opening, mind-blowing relationship with ourselves and our partner that feels deeply fulfilling, sexually satisfying and like it only gets better day by day. It starts with your yoni.
Let’s go right to the source. It’s the most rewarding, deep and pleasurable journey.
It might seem scary, nerve-wracking or like a waste of time, but a woman who awakens her yoni, awakens her life. She awakens the sexual energy that lies dormant in between her legs and her hips, coiled serpent that it is. Sexual energy is fuel for a relationship. It feeds you both. It keeps you connected, deeply in love and able to take your sexual experiences to deeper depths and higher heights. It also opens you up in every area of your life. Connecting with your yoni and opening her up changes everything in your life.
I’ve always thought I was a very “open” person. I’ve been in several longterm relationships and while the sex was wonderful I was only experiencing clitoris orgasms. I had a feeling my body was capable of more pleasure, but no one taught me how. This society does a very good job of keeping sexuality a deep dark secret. Through my healing journey I realised that my yoni was actually closed. She had shut down due to trauma and was fearful of letting anyone totally inside her. Connecting with and awakening her was emotional and painful, however it also started awakening her to all the pleasure that is available. Her opening also helped me in other areas of my life, ALL my wounds started healing. Your sexual energy is the most powerful energy you have and starts the healing process for everything in your life.
When you awaken, enhance, tone, strengthen and OPEN your yoni…you create the same effect in your relationships. You go deeper inside of yourself, which makes it safe for you to invite your partner in deeper. Your partner will be drawn naturally to your sexual magnetism. Your yoni will invite them in, when she’s ready. You’ll feel safe to be all sides of your sexuality with them present. You’ll feel safe enough to orgasm and fully. Let. Go. To surrender.
If you’re struggling in your sex life right now, I understand. But now is time to stop looking outside yourself for the thing that will “fix” it or you, the next sex position, the newest sex toy, the "right" partner, the hope that he will give you exactly what you need without having to ask for it.
It’s not about them. It’s about you. It’s about your yoni and how you feel about her. How you treat her. How you adore, understand, connect, honour and pleasure her…or not.
It’s about awakening, enhancing and reigniting your own sexual relationship and letting that power, pleasure and orgasmic energy to open you for what you want and need in your partnership and in your life.
When you’re equipped with the tools and techniques designed to bring your body and vagina more pleasure, sensation and lubrication you can expand your potential for pleasure and orgasm into a deep vaginal or whole body experience. Even into your whole entire life, because your sexual energy is that powerful.
Recently shame around sexual fantasies has come up quite a lot, so I’ve decided to write about it. Clients have approached me wanting to work on their fantasies and friends have also opened up about fantasies they have never talked about before. SHAME breeds in SECRECY, so lets get it out in the open!
Sexual fantasies don’t seem to be top of the topic list at a dinner party or a night out. A while ago I brought up the topic on a girlie night out. A few jaws dropped, no one gave anything away and I was told that I wouldn't be looking after any of their dogs in the future……. We've all got deep dark fantasies, but no one seems to be talking about them. If they do come up we pretend that we don’t have any, that we only fantasise about our partners, or if we might give away what is seen as a “normal” fantasy.
We think that our deep dark sexual thoughts are weird, perverse and deep down we feel shame about them. We think they might indicate that there is something wrong with us or our relationships. But the truth is sexual fantasies are absolutely normal and part of being a sexual being. Sexual fantasies are nearly universal, being reported in many societies across the globe. Research reveals that 9 out of 10 fantasise (and maybe the remaining are too embarrassed to admit it). 95% of these have never detailed their fantasies to another person. That is such a pity, sharing your fantasies with your partner can spice up your sex life, its such fun to play with.
Shame and guilt about the “perverse” nature of our fantasies make us suffer in silence. Yes our fantasies can include sex with our partner but rape, voyeurism, bondage, incest and sadomasochism are also parts of the varied fantasies that we have.
Fantasies allow us to pretend, they have no limits. They give us permission to have sex with whoever we want, to do whatever turns us on. They can help arouse us. Our minds are a safe place to play and explore. They can also, but not necessarily, be linked to our deep fears and childhood trauma. Maybe you have been hit by a parent as a child and in adulthood the thought of being controlled and spanked turns you on. A fantasy that I have had a lot is my partner with another woman. It turns me on in a fantasy world, in real life it frightens me, well not really these days, but it used to.
Lets start talking about our fantasies. There is nothing to be ashamed of. My friend, who is letting go of her shame shared her sexual fantasy. It was great, I actually used it the same evening and slightly adapted it to my liking. Start sharing them with your partner. You can keep them in you mind and play with them or even act them out in real life (depending on what they are). I can guarantee you won’t look back.
I know there might be some of you reading this thinking: I've tried telling my partner and I'm made to feel there is something wrong with me, that i’m a pervert. Be aware that on some level you believe that you are. This was probably something you were brought up to believe. Therefore that is what you attract into your life. Embarking on your Emotional Detox Journey will help you release those negative emotions that keep you stuck. Will help you realise that its ok to be you, in every shape and form. With every thought and emotion you have.
WHEN LUST HAS DISAPPEARED
And sex becomes pressure - this can happen in a relationship or if you are single.
When the desire for sex has disappeared or becomes much less than before it's natural to start believing something is wrong. That the desire for sex has diminished does not have to mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship. It can be more about how you relate to your body and to your feelings.
Today, the media has a huge impact on how most people and especially women relate to their body and sexuality. Everywhere we are bombarded with images and messages describing ideals for the happy life, the well-functioning relationship and not least the always passionate sex.
It's great to be inspired, but in many cases, the media's representation of body, sexuality and relationships makes us again realise that we can not live up to the ideals of an always happy life.
In this experience of defeat there is not only a great opportunity to beat oneself over the head. There is actually also a great opportunity to take care seriously and grow as a human being.
Despite the fact that sex is a problem for many people, and the culture of self-development in many other aspects is growing like never before, we haven’t yet realised the healing and growth that comes with sexuality. Perhaps it may be that we simply do not know what to do when sex does not really work as expected, and so we do not really do anything? We might seek out traditional medicine or psychological help, where sexuality is seen more like a symptom that can be fixed. We take drugs or try to rationalise what is going on in our heads, when in reality we need to be in our bodies where everything is stored in our cellular memory.
I was consciously unaware of this most of my life. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I started exploring Tantra and then did my Emotional Detox training with Mal Weeraratne that I realised the healing possibilities within sexuality. Unconsciously I had known, thats why I know I was lead to Mal and his work. It felt like I had found my tribe. I had finally come home. My healing journey started many years ago, but nothing opened me up on such a deep level as my own Emotional Detox Journey.
I believe that if we really want to work with our sexual issues, we need to turn our attention to the body, to the emotions and to a holistic orientation about sexual issues. Sexuality is or should be, the energy that makes us feel alive and creates even deeper ties in the relationship. Unfortunately most people have shut down this energy, which lies dormant within the body.
Take responsibility for your body, your feelings and your sexuality. Sex is not a performance. Start going inside. Listen to your body and your feelings. Your body has infinite wisdom and is a wonderful survival machine. When we take a few steps back to listen to our bodies we can learn a lot about ourselves, our sexuality and about life in general. Maybe some deep fears are stopping you of letting go to deep pleasure? Maybe some trauma in your yoni has numbed that area and you don’t feel pleasure? Maybe you are frightened of asking for what you want? Maybe you feel under pressure in many areas of your life? Maybe deep down you don’t trust? Trust has come up for me on my healing journey and its deep, very deep, goes back many lifetimes.
Embarking on your Journey will help you work through the layers of emotions that have been repressed for many years. Fears, shame, distrust, anger and sadness will come up to be felt and released. In our loving relationships all these come up to be healed. Unfortunately we are not very well equipped at dealing with these challenges. With support from a therapist you and your loved one can get the support you need to do this together. If you are single working with a therapist to release your negative emotions will help you attract the right partner into your life.
Working with our inner parts, it becomes obvious that it is about resistance. Our inner parts share their resistance to life. That resistance can show itself in many ways. It can be resistance to work, exercising, looking after our bodies, anything we do really. It can be a resistance to relationships with other people. It can be a resistance to taking risks or living out our purpose (this is often the same). Really moving foreward comes when we notice our resistant thoughts, not just the positive thoughts.
Most self-help wants us to believe that our healing and recovery happens when we focus on the positive. I suppose its easier that way. It feels better. Spending time inundating our minds with positive thoughts does distract us from the pain we are in. But does it work? … not really. The power lies in accepting every part of ourselves which includes our shadow self, the inner parts within who don’t believe we could ever be good enough, feel worthy of love, do well enough or even belong on this planet. If we don’t allow these parts to express, they will stay below the surface inundating our everyday lives with resistance to what we want. And there are no mantras for our conscious mind that will overpower the unconscious.
We may set an intention to write that book we have always wanted to write, but our unconscious is telling us we aren’t good enough to be an author.We may have a mantra to take more risks, but our unconscious is full of warnings about staying safe at all costs.We may make a decision to be kinder to our children or our partner but our unconscious is only interested in keeping everyone safe at all costs. We have an internal saboteur who will do anything to keep us where we are. Our saboteur thinks we are perfect just as we are.
So ask yourself the honest and courageous question. How are you resisting life? How is your inner talk stopping you from moving forward? Instead of blocking it, fighting it or ignoring it, can you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it? Can you get past the discomfort that comes with this resistance and let it express? Can you accept these resistant parts of you and allow what is there to just be there? If we can allow ourselves to feel how we feel and say what we need to say, we can heal our resistance in incredible ways.
Sharing our dark side with others helps us heal. Realising that we all have similar issues helps us accept parts of ourselves we have kept from the world because we felt embarrassed. I recently attended a few "Radical Honesty" workshops. Everyone in the group realised that we all share the same emotions and thoughts. We all pretend to ..... when really we are feeling or wanting....... (fill in the blanks and notice when you pretend). I shared a feeling of shame and guilt around not being a good enough mother to my oldest child. Being honest with myself and everyone in the group made me feel vunerable and frightened about what everyone would think of me. But I was being true to myself and everyone else and not pretending to be something I am not. By doing that I was actually saying to myself: it's ok to be you, whatever that you is. All of us, including our shadow self wants to be heard, expressed and accepted.
Embrace your darkness embrace your light. You are absolutely perfect just the way you are.