DO YOU FIND IT HARD SAYING NO TO OTHERS?

The deeper I go on my own journey the more I discover about my true self. I am so grateful for all my relationships that really support me on my personal journey. 

At a young age I was taught how to keep the peace. How to keep everyone happy and override my own needs and boundaries. Sorry mum I imagine you won’t like reading this, but its true and its okay. I understand that your dad was an alcoholic and you had to learn how the keep the peace in your household.

Roll on many years and I find myself lost in looking after other people and feeling that no one really listens to me. When I ask for what I want I don’t seem to get it! When I say in a passive aggressive humorous sort of way that I do everything in the house everyone just agrees!! And I know now that I created that scenario. I wanted everyone to think I was lovely, giving, thoughtful, helpful, beautiful and selfless. I wanted to be loved and accepted. I found it easy to say yes to everything and very hard to say no. 

I now know that saying no to others is saying yes to me. And it is not easy at all! It is so ingrained in me to override my needs and boundaries to do what is good for others rather than myself. It feels “selfish” to put myself first, it’s “bad” to be selfish and no one will like me.

I have recently realised that some no's for me actually feels in my body like an uncertain yes. I imagine its is my body’s way of looking after me after decades of saying yes when I meant no.

And there is the guilt associated with saying no. I told my children that I was going to start saying no to more things. When I did I felt terribly guilty, that I “should” give them what they asked for. Staying with that guilt has not been easy, but I imagine in time it will. And don’t get me started on asking for what I want. I imagine those 2 go pretty hand in hand. 

I recently trained with Dr Betty Martin who created the Wheel of Consent. She teaches how we all learn to go with things from a very early age, the difference between serving and allowing (you are giving the gift) and taking and receiving (the gift is for you) and the importance of bringing consciousness and agreements to this. When I first came across the wheel I realised how I had been serving and allowing others to take from me in many different ways. 

Luckily I have learnt how to steer in the direction of knowing what I want, being able to ask for it, be ok if I don’t get it and saying no to what I don’t want. It’s a life long practise. If you would like to learn more please get in touch. 

 

ARE PEAK ORGASMS SERVING US?

I have written about this before but am being called in this direction again. So let’s go a little deeper into what it actually means for me and maybe you too.

I will admit it, I don’t always practise what I preach. I am definitely moving in the right direction of expanding, relaxing and opening, I can reach an orgasmic state just through breathing and not touching myself at all, but I often feel myself drawn back to those few seconds of complete pleasure and explosion. 

My body is telling me that the deeper I go into the state of opening and relaxing the more connected I can become with myself and the deeper I can enter myself. I know that by slowing down I am increasing sensitivity and vitality. I know that it creates and restores love in every area of my life. 

We are living faster which is creating more stress in our lives. Everything is more fast paced including sex. Reaching orgasm is the goal and sex is often very short lived. We need to engage in sex, solo or with a partner, with increasing ease and relaxation. In taking speed and stress out of the act we can remove the performance pressure that comes with expectations and achieving goals. If orgasm is not the goal we can be fully present in the moment.

When we slow down sex acts as medicine that can resolve long term problems and wounds that cause unhappiness, separation and insecurity. Fast sex continues to desensitise our bodies especially our genitals, orgasm is like a drug. When we have a peak orgasm there is a lot of tension, even though some is released during orgasm, there is still tension left in the body.  

We don’t really know how to bring variety and creativity into our sexual encounters. The full spectrum of human sexual experience allows us to consciously choose to make a shift in our sexual ways. We are able to transcend our habits and patterns, we are able to generate and make love in the way we were designed by the Devine. This is a spiritual path. Sex becomes sacred when you honour the intelligence of the body and create a space for the Divine to enter.

I know all this! And yet I still find myself going for that peak orgasm. To go into those states of relaxation I need to feel safe. I have noticed when I am with my lover my body doesn’t go into peak states so easily, I imagine my body feels safe and wants to go deeper with him. With other men, mainly clients its different and my body goes into there pretty quickly. When I am on my own there is no excuse.

Today I got an insight that showed me why I may be stuck in this pattern. I noticed that when I look at men it’s with question “could you be my mate?” When I look at women the question is “are you a threat to me?. If you have read my previous blog you will know that there are beliefs that peak orgasms are for procreation. They can deplete us, both male and female, and disconnect us from our loved ones, making us look outside for new potential partners. And they are addictive, we want more of them. I have been menopausal for a few years now, but am I still stuck in this pattern of procreation and peak orgasms are keeping me there? Its a possibilty worth exploring.

So I am changing the way i approach peak orgasms. I will, for the time being, avoid clit orgasms as they are superfical and most definetly stop me from going deeper. In terms of vaginal orgasms I will explore consiously. I will slow down and be with myself in pain and in pleasure whatever arises. If orgasm happens I will enjoy that and notice if I was present or moving towards the goal. I will also pay attention to how I feel the hours and days after an orgasm and notice if it is serving me. If you want to join me get in touch. 

 

JEALOUSY 

This is a huge one for me. It goes very deep and into all sorts of emotions. I imagine it’s a taboo subject. One I feel a lot of shame around which is why I am writing this blog. Shame breeds in secrecy so I want to put it out there!

I imagine this wound was triggered in me in this life when I was 2 1/2. My brother was born and I went from being a single child to “loosing” my mother in many ways. My brother was very ill which effected my mothers health too and physically she was not there for me. She also suffers from self rejection so it is much easier for her to love my brother who is a boy. Being female meant that she had to reject me too. My dad was and still is emotionally disabled and I imagine that I didn’t feel safe around him. 

Move the clock forward 15 years and I had my first experience of feeling jealous. Watching the video Girls on Film made me imagine that my boyfriend would think they were more desirable than me. I obviously never shared that with him, just sat with the punch in the stomach. 

Into my twenties and thirties this pattern continued and I was totally projecting my issues onto my partners. I could manipulate and twist situations to make them work in my favour and prove I was “right”. I would compare myself with other women and either judge them to be better than me and therefore reject myself, or for me to be better than them and reject them. There was this sort of feeling of “he is mine and you are a threat”. 

It was very much a superficial thing and looks were crucial. What I looked like and my ability to attract attention was very important to me. I valued myself on the attention I received. I had breast implants thinking it was for me, but today I realise that if I had loved myself I would never have done that to my body. 

In my forties I started to realise that my jealousy was my problem and nothing to do with my partner. I started to take responsibility for myself and stopped projecting. It definitely stopped some arguments but it was still painful. I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while now and am observing that I am still comparing myself with other women. Thinking why am I doing this? And noticing that it is such a deep pattern that it is totally ingrained in me. 

And it is not just in intimate relationships this theme arrises, it can turn up anywhere I question myself. As a therapist. As a friend. As a mother, I could go on.  However it is in my intimate relationships that the feeling totally debilitates me. It has the feeling of “there is not enough for me”, “my needs are not valid and I am not worthy of asking for what I want”, “their needs are more important than mine”, “I have to override my needs to please them”. It puts me in a freeze state and I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. It almost feels like I am going to die. Just writing about this emotion brings it up in me. It’s so deep I am sure it goes back many lifetimes.

I want to heal this wound and have been going even deeper into it. I am very fortunate that I am constantly guided as to what it means and where I need to go. I have realised the anger and hate I feel towards women. It saddens me writing this and I want to own it. I hate every woman who has ever threatened me. I am angry at at her for threatening to take away what is mine. To truly love women I need to own my hate towards them. I know I need to express to my mum that I hate her for what she has done. I imagine that will be difficult. 

If you want to join me and go deeper into this wound please get in touch. 

 

THE ART OF RECEIVING 

I would like to dedicate this blog to Jonathan. Thank you holding me, supporting me, nurturing me, triggering me, serving me and much more. Thank you for making me feel safe to be authentic, to surrender and to receive. 

Many guys tell me that they are sexual givers. They love to taste and touch women, to make them ecstatic with pleasure and watching them orgasm is the absolute ultimate. Their pleasure is in the satisfaction of the women’s pleasure.

They are pretty horrified to realise that they are not giving at all, they are taking, which in itself it absolutely fine, but it has a very different energy to giving. I imagine that men have been given responsibility for womens pleasure for quite a while now. I hear women talk about guys being “good” or “bad” in bed, as if it is their job to satisfy us. It makes sense that maybe they have moved from serving to taking to make it more pleasurable for them. That is exactly what I did for a period of time when I was struggling to serve. 

You can receive pleasure in 2 ways, through receiving or taking. You can give pleasure in 2 ways, through serving (giving) or allowing. When you are taking you are touching yourself or someone else for your pleasure and the person you are touching is allowing you to do so. When you are receiving pleasure the person who is giving is serving you for your pleasure. I would recommend looking at The Wheel of Consent at bettymartin.org which explains this in much more in detail.

Many of my clients are in sexless relationships and I am asking myself could this contribute to the fact that many women have shut down sexually? If they are being taken from rather than served, even though it is pleasurable for them, what does it actually do? Seeing as I am a great guinea pig for women I decided to explore how I could get guys and women to serve me! 

I asked Jonathan: How do I get guys to serve women? Before he responded the answer came to me: women need to be able to receive, there is no way we can be served if we don’t let it in! So it’s actually got nothing to do with you and all to do with me! I should have seen this one coming as in my head I know it’s always about me, others are just amplifying my darkness and light. 

The art of receiving is not just for women, I have met many men that also struggle to receive. However because the female is the receptive in tantric love making the more receptive she becomes, the more this enables a man to give more easily. This receptivity welcomes space for his energy to flow from his being, he is invited and received, so in this sense woman have much more power in sex. 

I started leaning into receiving and that isn’t easy. To receive I have to feel safe and heard and I need to know exactly what I want, I need to own ALL my desires and be able to ask for them to be met. One of the reasons it has been difficult for me to ask is because I didn’t feel enough, I didn’t feel worthy of my needs being met, I felt that others were more important than me and they wouldn’t like me if it became more about me than them. Shame is also huge in this arena, if we have desires we feel shame around and don’t feel we can express them and lean into these, we end up living in our shadows. To truly let in we need to be authentic and so does the person we are letting in. 

I believe that we have lost touch with what our bodies really want and give the responsibly to healers, teachers, lovers etc. The first thing we need to do in learning to receive is tapping into what we desire. I imagine some women want to have a cup of tea made for them or maybe some flowers bought and no pressure to have to do anything in return. I felt (and still do) that if someone gives to me I have to give something back. No I don’t have to give anything back I just have to be clear what I want, enjoy and receive, I am worthy of just receiving. 

Last week I received the most beautiful healing session from my friend, she held me, touched me and gave me from her heart. I communicated exactly what I wanted before but also during the session. I received everything I wanted without giving anything in return.  It was so beautiful for both of us. 

If you feel that you are giving and not receiving enough in any area of your life, the answers lie wihtin in. If you need support to explore this I can help you. 

 

LET'S GET COMFORTABLE WITH PAIN! 

I have a client who I imagine to be a pleasure seeker, to be honest many come to me seeking pleasure. He likes fast cars, beautiful women and expensive watches, I call him Mr Bond. Before meeting me he had explored with a few different Tantricas, but they were not giving him what he was looking for, not in that moment anyway. Mr Bond and I have experienced many different types of pleasure, not 2 sessions are the same. He has also assisted me in some deep healing and de armouring which has been painful for me. I am really beginning to love and appreciate pain and the word pleasure is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and irritation in my yoni. Let me explain why.

When it comes to sexuality we in the West have been taught that it serves 2 purposes: procreation and pleasure right? NO! The most vital part of our sexuality it that it can heal us, enlighten us, connect us to the source, oneness, god whatever you want to call it. Yet most people see it as a source of more pleasure. They see Tantra as having sex for longer, expanding into more pleasure, becoming multiorgasmic. And yes that is possible and I will admit I  have been going down that route for a while, thinking that everything that was pleasurable was actually good for me. I am not saying that pleasure isn’t healthy, but it feels like I’m unbalanced (that addictive, entitled taste). My dear friend Lady Grey taught me that balance is one of the most important things for us. I sense that to be balanced I need to dive into pain (any unpleasant feeling)  with as much enthusiasm as I do pleasure. Pain is good, pain helps us grow and expand. Now this can be tricky as most of us have been brought up to avoid pain at any costs, but it is very liberating. Any feeling will flow through a baby in minutes if you just let it happen and we could learn a lot about being in our natural state by observing babies. 

So instead of self pleasuring I now self nurture. That means spending time being present with myself and whatever arrises without having a goal or expectation. There is normally a lot of anger, sadness and pleasure. It’s about showing up for myself and appreciating every part of myself including the ones I perceive as “bad”. 

Every action I do (well I will be honest I don’t remember all the time) I ask myself if this is nourishing for me. If the answer is no I may still choose to do it (for many different reasons), but I know I am going against myself. If the answer is yes and I do it I know I am doing what is right for me. Eating chocolate is nourishing, I was anorexic for years and have denied my body so much. It's nourishing to avoid the gym after years of beating myself up there. Its nourishing for me to lean into pain and cry whenever tears come to my eyes. Only you know what is nourishing for you every soul is different.

So when Mr Bond arrived for his recent session he wasn’t too pleased when I told him pleasure was no longer where we were going. Nurture was the name of the game. 

 

TO O OR NOT TO O THAT IS THE QUESTION!

The deeper I go on my own journey the more I am learning about myself. I am very grateful to all my teachers (both those who show me what I do need and those who show me what I definitely don’t need) friends (especially that one in particular, you know who you are) and clients who are supporting me on this journey. 

I am becoming more and more sensitive to everything, which I see as a good thing as we have become very desensitised. I take slow and gentle to a level that most people find really hard to understand but I just can’t do fast and furious any more, it doesn’t resonate with my body. It is actually painful for me.

When it comes to sexuality it seems that everyone is looking for pleasure and orgasm. Where can we find the next fix to make us feel good. As women we have been deprived of that for many years and it seems that we are trying to catch up on all the orgasms we have missed out on. There are coaches and courses offering to teach you how to become multi orgasmic. And yes we are totally capable of all those different orgasms and I think it is great to explore this, but are they actually doing us more harm than good? And are they disconnecting us to our loved ones?

It seems that any form of peak orgasm is stopping the act and therefore not letting us go deeper into ourselves and each other. Lets be honest, most often once orgasm has happened it’s game over (even though some of us can go again and again). What if we could continue for much longer and go much deeper? Where could we go? What could we experience? 

A peak orgasm takes place in the brain, in the reward centre. And there are some amazing chemical reactions going on there that make us feel pretty good. However the bad news it that  there’s an hangover that lasts 14-21 days. During this time we can feel tired, emotional, angry, anything really, but one important reaction is that we feel disconnected to our loved one and want another orgasm to release the pressure, it can be addictive.  It is thought that we start looking outside our relationship to connect with someone else. There is a theory that peak orgasms are for procreation and therefore we want to spread ourselves as much as possible. 

Could this be why so many relationships are failing and we don’t feel nurtured, rejuvenated and energised? Possibly I definitely think it is worth exploring.

 And is there another way? Yes there is. Our sexuality gives us the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves, its a spiritual path. Slowing down, being present, being still with no goal can help us become more sensitive and actually notice what is happening inside ourselves where we have all the answers we need.  It gives us the opportunity to be vulnerable with and connected to our lover.  
 

THE AMAZING POWERS OF SEMEN RETENTION

Do you feel tired? Are you suffering from some form of erectile dysfunction? Most of you guys are in a constant state of depletion because you ejaculate too often and eventually it catches up with you. The older you are the longer it takes your body to replenish itself. Under 35 it takes approximately 3 days to recover, if you are over 35 approximately 8 days!  Most men ejaculate much more than that, so it makes sense that once you reach your 40’s and 50’s it is likely that you will be suffering with some form of erectile dysfunction. According to Ancient Taoists the most common reason for erectile dysfunction is excessive ejaculation. The main cure is creating more sexual energy without ejaculation.

Now this does not mean no orgasm guys, it actually means lots of orgasms and much more…..

Most people think orgasm and ejaculation for men are one and same, but ejaculation is a reflex and a function of the sympathetic nervous system, orgasm is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. You can learn how to separate these and the benefits are amazing! 

Sexual Stamina! 

By practising semen retention you will be able to manage your sexual response and condition your body so that sexual stimulation can last as long as you choose. Women need between 20 and 40 minutes of penetration to experience those mind blowing orgasms. You will have a deeper sense of self-confidence, knowing you can satisfy your partner. 

Multi-Orgasmic!

You are capable of being just as orgasmic as women, but not if you ejaculate! As you know you normally fall asleep after the first ejaculation, even though there are some rare men who can cope with a second or third round. By practising semen retention you can have full, whole body, multiple orgasms, with one rolling continuously into the next. 

Increased Sex Drive!

A Chinese study shows that semen retention increases testosterone levels by a stagering 47.7% after 7 days! Not only will you last longer, you will also be harder and more turned on. As testosterone plays a huge part in building muscle, men practising semen retention and weight lifting report an increase in muscle mass too. 

More Energy! 

We all know that athletes are told not to have sex the day before an important event. It’s not the sex thats the problem, building sexual energy would be a good thing, it’s the ejaculation that causes problems. Every time you ejaculate you are draining your vital life-force energy. Your body gives the best of the best of you to produce a baby. And not just one, you could produce millions every time. No wonder your body shuts down afterwards and needs to replenish itself. Many men are in a state of constant depletion, but you don’t even notice, because that is what you are used to.  

Mental Clarity!

According to Taoist Sexual Master Mantak Chia men that practise semen retention during sexual activity double their brain energy. There is also evidence that men experience enhancement of love and affection for his woman.

All of this being said it is important for men to ejaculate sometimes. Different Tantric experts recommend different frequencies. I recommend a man dividing his age with 5, so a 25 year old needs to ejaculate every 5 days and a 50 year old every 10 days. I also think it is important to acknowledge that every man is different and it’s important for you to work out what is right for you.

During your session semen retention is just one of the subjects I will teach you, you will also get some fun homework. For more information please get in touch with me. 

 

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT

 

Now I know this is a huge generalisation, and in honesty it is actually what I want. However I represent the feminine and  imagine many women deep down feel like this even if they might not even be aware of it (I wasn’t for most of my life). I also want you guys to know that I am not blaming you just trying to shed light on areas we can all work on to make us all happier and more connected. 

So let’s start with connection. Until I started exploring Tantra I didn’t have a clue what connection really meant. I was disconnected to myself and others. When we truly connect we let our guards down, we become vulnerable, we are seen for who we really are. Every part of us is allowed to be just as it is and we are accepted. We want to be able to connect with ourselves and we want to be able to connect with our partner. We want to be seen, heard and accepted and we want the same from you. We want to see every part of you the good, the bad and the ugly. We want you to be honest (that includes not withholding anything).  We don’t want you to pretend to be something you are not. We can’t really connect with you if you are hiding a part of yourself. We want to see you and we want to be seen.

We want to be heard. We want you to help us find our voice. Our real voice, not the voice we have ended up having due to conditioning and beliefs (even though we do appreciate if you listen to that too). Our bodies and particularly our yonis have shut down because we haven’t listened to them. After a while they give up. They become painful or numb and we are unable to experience pleasure. You can help us heal and awaken our yonis again, but you have to follow the voice of the yoni, not the voice in your head or your sexual energy. We know you have been taught to keep pushing and we have been taught to override our own needs. However that just shuts us down even more. An amazing lover can read his woman’s yoni better that she can herself. He can also control his sexual energy (which has other amazing benefits, read my blog about semen retention). You have the ability to heal and open us up, but you have to learn how to.

We want to feel safe to express ourselves. We need you to just be there while we let it out, we might even start an argument. Please don’t bite, just accept us in every moment. We will calm down, come back to you and love you even more. 

And probably the most important is trust, we need to be able to trust you. For thousands of years women have been abused, raped and controlled. Those fears are still deep inside us. Help us rebuild the trust between us that we once had. When you follow through on all your promises and commitments we feel we can trust you. We will open and surrender and give ourselves to you. If we fall we need to know that you will catch us. If we let our guards down we need to know you will hold the space. If you don’t follow through on your word we will gradually withdraw (even if its something small you promised like hoover the kitchen). No matter what you promise we need you to follow through. If you can’t keep your promise, tell us, re negotiate, communicate with us. Every single time you are honest about your intentions and you back it up with your actions you build another layer of trust. Our hearts and our yonis open another layer. By honouring your word you are honouring your woman. 

I can help you become that man, connect with your woman, bring a woman into your life and much more ❤️

 

YONI AWAKENING

Did you know that when you awaken, reignite and enhance the relationship with your yoni, you do the same thing in your sexual relationship – with both yourself and your partner (if you have one) ?

Your sexual relationship awakens and goes to a deeper level. That’s what we all want deep down. To have that juicy, heart-opening, mind-blowing relationship with ourselves and our partner that feels deeply fulfilling, sexually satisfying and like it only gets better day by day. It starts with your yoni.

Let’s go right to the source. It’s the most rewarding, deep and pleasurable journey.

It might seem scary, nerve-wracking or like a waste of time, but a woman who awakens her yoni, awakens her life. She awakens the sexual energy that lies dormant in between her legs and her hips, coiled serpent that it is. Sexual energy is fuel for a relationship. It feeds you both. It keeps you connected, deeply in love and able to take your sexual experiences to deeper depths and higher heights. It also opens you up in every area of your life. Connecting with your yoni and opening her up changes everything in your life.

I’ve always thought I was a very “open” person. I’ve been in several longterm relationships and while the sex was wonderful I was only experiencing clitoris orgasms. I had a feeling my body was capable of more pleasure, but no one taught me how. This society does a very good job of keeping sexuality a deep dark secret. Through my healing journey I realised that my yoni was actually closed. She had shut down due to trauma and was fearful of letting anyone totally inside her. Connecting with and awakening her was emotional and painful, however it also started awakening her to all the pleasure that is available. Her opening also helped me in other areas of my life, ALL my wounds started healing. Your sexual energy is the most powerful energy you have and starts the healing process for everything in your life.

When you awaken, enhance, tone, strengthen and OPEN your yoni…you create the same effect in your relationships. You go deeper inside of yourself, which makes it safe for you to invite your partner in deeper. Your partner will be drawn naturally to your sexual magnetism. Your yoni will invite them in, when she’s ready. You’ll feel safe to be all sides of your sexuality with them present. You’ll feel safe enough to orgasm and fully. Let. Go. To surrender.

If you’re struggling in your sex life right now, I understand. But now is time to stop looking outside yourself for the thing that will “fix” it or you, the next sex position, the newest sex toy, the "right"  partner, the hope that he will give you exactly what you need without having to ask for it.

It’s not about them. It’s about you. It’s about your yoni and how you feel about her. How you treat her. How you adore, understand, connect, honour and pleasure her…or not.

It’s about awakening, enhancing and reigniting your own sexual relationship and letting that power, pleasure and orgasmic energy to open you for what you want and need in your partnership and in your life.

When you’re equipped with the tools and techniques designed to bring your body and vagina more pleasure, sensation and lubrication you can expand your potential for pleasure and orgasm into a deep vaginal or whole body experience. Even into your whole entire life, because your sexual energy is that powerful.

 

SEXUAL FANTASIES

Recently shame around sexual fantasies has come up quite a lot, so I’ve decided to write about it. Clients have approached me wanting to work on their fantasies and friends have also opened up about fantasies they have never talked about before. SHAME breeds in SECRECY, so lets get it out in the open! 

Sexual fantasies don’t seem to be top of the topic list at a dinner party or a night out. A while ago I brought up the topic on a girlie night out. A few jaws dropped, no one gave anything away and I was told that I wouldn't be looking after any of their dogs in the future……. We've all got deep dark fantasies, but no one seems to be talking about them. If they do come up we pretend that we don’t have any, that we only fantasise about our partners, or if we might give away what is seen as a “normal” fantasy. 

We think that our deep dark sexual thoughts are weird, perverse and deep down we feel shame about them. We think they might indicate that there is something wrong with us or our relationships. But the truth is sexual fantasies are absolutely normal and part of being a sexual being. Sexual fantasies are nearly universal, being reported in many societies across the globe. Research reveals that 9 out of 10 fantasise (and maybe the remaining are too embarrassed to admit it). 95% of these have never detailed their fantasies to another person. That is such a pity, sharing your fantasies with your partner can spice up your sex life, its such fun to play with. 

Shame and guilt about the “perverse” nature of our fantasies make us suffer in silence. Yes our fantasies can include sex with our partner but rape, voyeurism, bondage, incest and sadomasochism are also parts of the varied fantasies that we have. 

Fantasies allow us to pretend, they have no limits. They give us permission to have sex with whoever we want, to do whatever turns us on. They can help arouse us. Our minds are a safe place to play and explore. They can also, but not necessarily,  be linked to our deep fears and childhood trauma. Maybe you have been hit by a parent as a child and in adulthood the thought of being controlled and spanked turns you on. A fantasy that I have had a lot is my partner with another woman. It turns me on in a fantasy world, in real life it frightens me, well not really these days, but it used to. 

Lets start talking about our fantasies. There is nothing to be ashamed of. My friend, who is letting go of her shame shared her sexual fantasy. It was great, I actually used it the same evening and slightly adapted it to my liking. Start sharing them with your partner. You can keep them in you mind and play with them or even act them out in real life (depending on what they are). I can guarantee you won’t look back.   

I know there might be some of you reading this thinking: I've tried telling my partner and I'm made to feel there is something wrong with me, that i’m a pervert. Be aware that on some level you believe that you are. This was probably something you were brought up to believe. Therefore that is what you attract into your life. Embarking on your Emotional Detox Journey will help you release those negative emotions that keep you stuck. Will help you realise that its ok to be you, in every shape and form. With every thought and emotion you have. 

 

WHEN LUST HAS DISAPPEARED

And sex becomes pressure - this can happen in a relationship or if you are single.

When the desire for sex has disappeared or becomes much less than before it's natural to start believing something is wrong. That the desire for sex has diminished does not have to mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship. It can be more about how you relate to your body and to your feelings. 

Today, the media has a huge impact on how most people and especially women relate to their body and sexuality. Everywhere we are bombarded with images and messages describing ideals for the happy life, the well-functioning relationship and not least the always passionate sex.

It's great to be inspired, but in many cases, the media's representation of body, sexuality and relationships makes us again realise that we can not live up to the ideals of an always happy life.

In this experience of defeat there is not only a great opportunity to beat oneself over the head. There is actually also a great opportunity to take care seriously and grow as a human being.

Despite the fact that sex is a problem for many people, and the culture of self-development in many other aspects is growing like never before, we haven’t yet realised the healing and growth that comes with sexuality. Perhaps it may be that we simply do not know what to do when sex does not really work as expected, and so we do not really do anything? We might seek out traditional medicine or psychological help, where sexuality is seen more like a symptom that can be fixed. We take drugs or try to rationalise what is going on in our heads, when in reality we need to be in our bodies where everything is stored in our cellular memory.  

I was consciously unaware of this most of my life. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I started exploring Tantra and then did my Emotional Detox training with Mal Weeraratne that I realised the healing possibilities within sexuality. Unconsciously I had known, thats why I know I was lead to Mal and his work. It felt like I had found my tribe. I had finally come home. My healing journey started many years ago, but nothing opened me up on such a deep level as my own Emotional Detox Journey. 

I believe that if we really want to work with our sexual issues, we need to turn our attention to the body, to the emotions and to a holistic orientation about sexual issues. Sexuality is or should be, the energy that makes us feel alive and creates even deeper ties in the relationship. Unfortunately most people have shut down this energy, which lies dormant within the body. 

Take responsibility for your body, your feelings and your sexuality. Sex is not a performance. Start going inside. Listen to your body and your feelings. Your body has infinite wisdom and is a wonderful survival machine. When we take a few steps back to listen to our bodies we can learn a lot about ourselves, our sexuality and about life in general. Maybe some deep fears are stopping you of letting go to deep pleasure? Maybe some trauma in your yoni has numbed that area and you don’t feel pleasure? Maybe you are frightened of asking for what you want? Maybe you feel under pressure in many areas of your life? Maybe deep down you don’t trust? Trust has come up for me on my healing journey and its deep, very deep, goes back many lifetimes.   

Embarking on your Journey will help you work through the layers of emotions that have been repressed for many years. Fears, shame, distrust, anger and sadness will come up to be felt and released. In our loving relationships all these come up to be healed. Unfortunately we are not very well equipped at dealing with these challenges. With support from a therapist you and your loved one can get the support you need to do this together. If you are single working with a therapist to release your negative emotions will help you attract the right partner into your life. 

 

EMBRACE RESISTANCE

Working with our inner parts, it becomes obvious that it is about resistance. Our inner parts share their resistance to life. That resistance can show itself in many ways.  It can be  resistance to work, exercising, looking after our bodies, anything we do really.  It can be a resistance to relationships with other people. It can be a resistance to taking risks or living out our purpose (this is often the same).  Really moving foreward comes when we notice our resistant thoughts, not just the positive thoughts.

Most self-help wants us to believe that our healing and recovery happens when we focus on the positive.  I suppose its easier that way.  It feels better. Spending time inundating our minds with positive thoughts does distract us from the pain we are in.  But does it work? … not really.  The power lies in accepting every part of ourselves which includes our shadow self, the inner parts within who don’t believe we could ever be good enough, feel worthy of love, do well enough or even belong on this planet.  If we don’t allow these parts to express, they will stay below the surface inundating our everyday lives with resistance to what we want.  And there are no mantras for our conscious mind that will overpower the unconscious.

We may set an intention to write that book we have always wanted to write, but our unconscious is telling us we aren’t good enough to be an author.We may have a mantra to take more risks, but our unconscious is full of warnings about staying safe at all costs.We may make a decision to be kinder to our children or our partner but our unconscious is only interested in keeping everyone safe at all costs. We have an internal saboteur who will do anything to keep us where we are. Our saboteur thinks we are perfect just as we are.

So ask yourself the honest and courageous question. How are you resisting life? How is your inner talk stopping you from moving forward? Instead of blocking it, fighting it or ignoring it, can you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it?  Can you get past the discomfort that comes with this resistance and let it express?  Can you accept these resistant parts of you and allow what is there to just be there? If we can allow ourselves to feel how we feel and say what we need to say, we can heal our resistance in incredible ways.

Sharing our dark side with others helps us heal. Realising that we all have similar issues helps us accept parts of ourselves we have kept from the world because we felt embarrassed. I recently attended a few "Radical Honesty" workshops. Everyone in the group realised that we all share the same emotions and thoughts. We all pretend to .....  when really we are feeling or wanting....... (fill in the blanks and notice when you pretend). I shared a feeling of shame and guilt around not being a good enough mother to my oldest child. Being honest with myself and everyone in the group made me feel vunerable and frightened about what everyone would think of me. But I was being true to myself and everyone else and not pretending to be something I am not. By doing that I was actually saying to myself: it's ok to be you, whatever that you is.  All of us, including our shadow self wants to be heard, expressed and accepted.

Embrace your darkness embrace your light. You are absolutely perfect just the way you are.

Lisa Grezo