If you have read my previous blog you will know that I felt that loving my breasts including my implants seemed to be the way forward for me. In this blog I am going to share a little about how difficult that really is for me.

I have been spending a lot of time connecting and “trying” to love my breasts. Well trying doesn’t work does it, unless you can fake it until you make it, and I feel if I do that I am overriding what is actually going on inside me, so that is not something I want do. I know that my emotions and feelings are a way of guiding me deeper into my true self, bringing up beautiful feelings but also all the not so nice ones I have stuffed down most of my life.

The thought of having my implants removed forever seems to be in the back of my mind. The first time I acknowledged it was when I had to have them replaced 4 years ago. Afterwards I remember crying in front of my daughters because I hadn’t had the courage to remove them and had instead chosen to have them replaced. It also saddens me when my daughter tell me that they have issues about their breasts because of me and at the same time it makes total sense. I am leaning more and more into the fact that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and no one else has anything to do with them ie it is not my fault that they have issues around their breasts, but guilt is still rearing it’s ugly head now and again.

I feel enormous amounts of pleasure in my breasts and I feel the energy between my breasts and vagina. On an energetic level it is very easy for me to tap into this beautiful energy. When touching and massaging my breasts I also feel a lot of pleasure even though the skin has some areas of reduced sensitivity. But there is also a hardness especially in the right breast and also some pain in that hardness known as capsular contraction. 

If I was to have them removed I would probably be recommended an uplift by a surgeon but I do not want to do that. They would have to remove my nipple and I do not want to risk loosing sensitivity in my nipples, I suppose I am very lucky that I still have that!! Having them just removed leaves me with huge amounts of fear about what they may look like. How will I be able to accept and love them if they look “ugly”. I can see that choosing this option is an even more difficult than loving what is at the moment. Or maybe it isn’t I don’t know. My inner critic is doing a very good job at beating me up and will probably continue no matter what I do. Isn’t is amazing how good we are at that? 

And it is not all bad news. My spiritual journey is bringing me to a place of more love and acceptance of myself. I feel connected to the divine and am able to release what is no longer serving me through tuning into myself, honouring myself, rituals, yoga and breathwork. I am able to connect to my creative flow and know that I am here to be me with all the experiences I am having, including this challenge. It is not good or bad it just is. I have amazing friends who help support me and who will love me no matter what I choose to do. And as I said 4 years ago I didn’t have courage to even think about having them removed so I have most definitely evolved from then. 

I don’t feel my implants are toxic bags, I still feel they are here to teach me how to love and accept myself and in some ways I am very grateful. Writing this yesterday I felt I was unsure where my journey was taking me but today I am feeling that removal of the implants and loving what is is the way forward for me. It is definitely not an easy choice but it feels like the right one. It was easier for me to stop wearing make up 4 years ago, last year I decided to stop colouring my hair and let the natural grey come through. Next and biggest so far is removal of my implants and lovingly accept my breasts exactly as they are.