I have just stepped in to 2022 with a feeling that this year will bring many opportunities and experiences that will help me expand and grow and the first one has hit me, I feel so confused in this moment of writing.
Divine lover was not able or willing to give me the relationship I want. He also has avoidant traits which makes me anxious. I didn’t see the attachment issues as a huge problem as I do believe that they can be worked through in relating, and I know I am here to heal attachment and relationship wounds. But that he wasn’t willing to commit I saw as an issue because I feel I need that safety to able to relax deeper into the container of growth that our relationship is.
But now I am questioning is that true? Is my ego self telling me this is what I need or do I need to grow and expand from the experience my soul is presenting to me. Am I stuck in this construct of what a relationship should be rather than what I want. Or is it my wound that is calling me back into a relationship that is not healthy for me? If I tune into my internal navigation system who knows what I want, ie my pussy what does she want? She want to experience, that’s it, she wants to feel, and she wants to feel it all.
So I feel, I let it move through me, I feel all that is here.
I feel so fucking angry that I can’t have what I want
I feel so sad that I can’t have what I want
I am so angry that he never replied to my messages
I am angry that I am not sure what to do
I am sad that I don’t know what to do
I want to reach out
I don’t want to reach out
I am angry that I can’t meet someone who can hold me
I am angry that I don’t meet someone who wants what I want
I am sad I that I don’t meet someone who wants what I want
And I know I have a role to play in this. I was brought up to believe that my happiness was determined by someone else’s happiness. As a women I learnt how to be the caregiver and put others first, my needs were repressed and so was my radiance, my truth. The light was off and the focus was on how to be enough for others to love me rather than what felt good for me.
I know the reclamation of my truth, my radiance comes from being with these emotions. I read back through them and see that all of the above represents the relationship with my father. It is the mourning of a younger me that is happening now. It is not about divine lover, he is just showing me the wound.
I commit to being with all of my experiences, no matter how difficult, trusting they are all here for me to learn, grow and reclaim my truth. I also commit to listening to my pussy, she knows exactly what I need to experience in any given moment. And she knows the power of pleasure………….