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From before we learn to speak, we are trained to go along with things we don’t want. We are conditioned to believe that what is happening is more important than how we feel about it!!

Seriously get your head around that! We learn to change how we feel to adapt to situations we don’t like. This can be something small but it can also be major like abuse. We have learnt to devalue and ignore our gut feeling and instincts. We can’t hear our internal navigations system and we are lead by others.

These can be really subtle patterns that are very difficult to notice or they may be obvious. My experience is the deeper I go into myself the more I am able to feel. When I slow down, breath and ask for guidance the answers come to me. 

Recently I sent a message to a client stating how I felt and asked for what I wanted. The message I got back was WOW, can’t believe you would say that, at least you could have bla bla. Initially I went into the story that yes he is right, I was a bit harsh and maybe I should have written it more softly and been more considerate about how he would feel receiving my message etc. Then I took the dog into the woods and had a chance to feel deeper into myself and realised that I was absolutely entitled to feel and express how I was feeling in that moment, even though the person receiving the message didn’t like it. His reaction has nothing to do with me, he is triggering himself based on his past experiences.  I don’t have to pussyfoot around and worry about saying the right things any more. Yes I can be sensitive to others, but what I feel is important!!

I realised that I wasn’t feeling that I wanted to continue a relationship with a friend any more. My mind was saying: you need to contact him and have a face to face or even a phone conversation to explain why and how you are feeling, that is the “right” thing to do. But feeling into what I really wanted was to just leave a message and say I wasn’t feeling it and that I didn’t want to have to explain why. So I left a message asking for that and he accepted that without any resistance which I really appreciate. About a year ago I felt that I didn’t want to see another friend and messaged her. She kept ringing me and even came to the house, which felt like a boundary overstep, even though I did honour myself and not answer her calls or the door. I notice that I have may times felt that I needed to explain myself and be honest even though I didn’t want to. Comes from the same pattern of not valuing my feelings and giving others what they ask for. 

I even noticed this pattern with my dog. She is such a good dog apart from on the lead where she pulls. For years I have used a loop around her nose but it didn’t get to the source of the problem. Since lockdown I have decided to retrain her to walk without pulling. It is a similar pattern as her pulling me does not feel good for my body and by allowing her to repeat that patterns I am saying her wants are more important than mine. It is not a hardship for her not to pull on the lead and how I feel matters!!

It really is a journey and I know the right way for me is moving from my centre, moving from my feelings whatever they are and whatever they may make other people feel. It is about me taking responsibility for myself and making me a priority. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for what I want and also being able to say no to what I don’t want. Funny it feels selfish (judging selfish to be “wrong”) to write this and I know it is the only way forward. 

Get in touch if you want to join me.