Do you stop and think who anything you are doing is for? The deeper I go on my journey of self discovery the more often I find myself doing that.
Today is 10 years since my husband passed. My mother also passed precisely a month ago. There are a lot of emotions moving through me and I judge that as a good thing. My daughter said that she read that grief is the sadness of unexpressed love. I like that, it feels true, grief and joy are very closely connected. Feeling grief and sadness when it arrises can feel terribly heavy in the moment, but within that heaviness there is a softening, a release, an opening.
When loosing someone close there is always that feeling of I wish I had done this, I wish I had said that, I wish ……………. This is very present with me at the moment with regards to my mother. And it is good to wish, to want, to desire. And it is good to feel what it is like when I can’t have what I want. I notice myself taking a deep breath while writing that and leaning back for a few minutes to feel. This is a biggie and I need to lean back again and breathe. The tightness in my belly opens up emotions and tears come. The sadness of not receiving what I want, the deep grief in that. And the acknowledgment that I cannot always have what I want. This manifested 2 days ago when I asked a friend to come and hold me. His car broke down and he ended up arriving hot and bothered an hour late with his dog. The dog is gorgeous but she was full on and did not leave us alone. He was trying to spoon me while the dog was biting his hand or jumping and running around. I actually did not feel triggered just amused and now writing this I am laughing at the situation. He really did have the best intention and it did just not work out the way I wanted. And within that there was also a lesson for me, a softening, an understanding and an appreciation for the lessons that are constantly being sent my way.
So today my late – I don’t like that word for some reason, I am going to change it – my passed husband’s friend rang and we had a lovely chat about him and how if feels different to everyone loosing a friend, husband, father, son, colleague etc. I had the same conversation with my daughter 30 mins earlier, how loosing her grandmother is hard but not as hard as it is for me, because she is my mother and not as hard as it is for her to loose her father. She told me she thinks about what it must be like to loose a sibling (she has 2) a husband and a son (she hasn’t got but she can image). And yet we can only imagine what someone else is experiencing even though there are many similarities within similar experiences. Danny, Tony’s friend asks me if I am going to put something on Facebook. It had crossed my mind and when it did I asked myself who is it for? Is is for Tony to show him love and respect? And if so why do I need to to it like that, he is and always be in my heart, writing this my hand automatically goes to my heart, tears come and I feel a softening, deep appreciation and love for this beautiful soul. So if it’s not for him is for the others that will see the post? So that they can judge me in some sort of a way that I want to be judged, poor Lisa, what a tough time she is having. Am I actually looking for compassion from others which means it’s actually for me. And do I need that? Do I need likes and comments from others.
I see my co dependency throughout this. The dependency towards my husband, people outside myself and ultimately my mother, she is the one who I was dependant on and she was the one to teach me these lessons that my soul came here to experience. Her conditioning was passed down from previous generations too.
So instead of posting on Facebook I ask myself what do I really need, how can I give it to myself and who can I reach out to and ask.
Thanks for reading, I feel that this was for me as writing this has helped me process what I am feeling. And I hope that my sharing in some way can support you.