I am noticing how angry and sad I am at the way women are sexualised. I went to a party last week and an adult man in his 50’s can’t keep his hands or eyes to himself. I know this is who he is and I know that he does not like me because I am too honest. And I feel distraught that everyone thinks this sort of behaviour is ok! Everyone is playing the oh that’s just …… game ha ha. That’s the way he is, can’t keep his eyes off women’s tits, can’t keep his dick in his pants …….. WTF! His wife couldn’t be present because she had to look after the granddaughter, probably a good thing as I may have said something inappropriate. I know that they are unconsciously playing this game with each other but it really angers and saddens me it is happening and it saddens me that his 2 daughters (1 with her) is aware and playing this game too. I judge that this family really needs a man they can trust.

So they are non the wiser and here am I with all the emotions! Of course it is a reflection of what is going on inside of me. And it is a lesson for me to look deeper within, to see what I am holding that is triggering these emotions in me and find out what I need. I know that it will unfold for me and it does.

I watch Strip Down Rise Up on Netflix. Even though I don’t totally agree with her coaching methods there is a lot of truth. This is about women regaining their own power that so many of us have given away. Regaining their pleasure, moving round the room and pole for themselves, not for anyone else and allowing all the emotions that are in the way to arise. I love moving emotions through me and I realise that having a pole to move around and be held by is exactly what I need.

I breathed into the topic yesterday and the journey takes me deeper within. I see how as a women there is an unconscious belief that my pleasure is for the man. This also arose for me a few weeks ago when I was exploring an orgasmic awareness practise, within that was shame around my own pleasure and I had a memory of a boyfriend coming home unexpectedly when I was self pleasuring and the shame I felt then. There is also an unconscious belief that my body is for mens pleasure. I would often long for their attention and gaze and judge my body not to be “enough”. I remember when an ex told me he would pay for me to have even bigger breasts (I had implants at the time) how bad I felt because I judged I needed to be different to please him.

Today I went deep my my massage therapist. I see how by not having responsibility for my pleasure and giving men responsibility for this I am acting from my wounded child state. This wounded part at the same time is angry and makes them responsible for the pain and tension my body carries. A picture of my father as a young confused child appears and I cry, even writing this later tears come arise again. I see his innocence

I see more clearly how men have an unconscious belief that they have to “pay” to have their needs met. That could be money payments and I imagine that is how prostitution evolved. But also in terms of emotionally paying. Women can be pretty brutal in that sense, the grief and anger can come through in may different ways. You may have to “earn” sex, like it is a commodity given. I see how men are longing to be fully received physically and emotionally and most women’s body are shut down so they cannot receive or even know what that really means.

We are all paying the price, so what can we do about it?

My next step is to reach out to a friend and ask him to witness me in my pleasure, emotions, body, whatever arises. I want him to feel whatever is moving though him but not react, just hold the space. This feels pretty vulnerable and I know I am on the right path.

Booked pole dancing lessons to inspire me and finding a way to have a pole in my bedroom.

And I have done a lot of work on trusting myself so that I now feel a lot safer in my body and trust that I can honour and stay true to myself. I don’t want men like that in my life. I am no longer willing to play that game.

I continue my own journey of self discovery and take full responsibility for all that is mine. No one else is responsible for my emotions, body, pleasure, pain, desires, limits, thoughts, beliefs or experiences. Knowing I have responsibility is pretty empowering.

Here are some other suggestions that may be useful:

Women we need to wake up and do the work of regaining our sovereignty. We need to create safety in our bodies so that they we can fully trust ourselves. We need to speak our truth, all of it, but from a place of self responsibility, not blame. We need to move what is within is. We have so many emotions handed down from generations. We need to know what we are a NO to so that we can have less of that in our lives, and more of what we are a YES to. We need to connect to our bodies, pleasure and our sexuality. It is through our sexuality that we can heal our humanity, it is all stored here to be revealed. We need to connect to our soul and the divine that is forever holding and guiding us.

Guys you need to do the work too. Unfortunately none of us were initiated and am having to find our own ways to initiate ourselves. Your job is to look within too. Seeing your own wounding and how it is effecting your life. Connecting with your pleasure and sexuality in a way that is not goal oriented, but staying in connection with yourself. Creating the capacity to be present and hold the feminine no matter what is moving within you. Being radically self responsible and honouring and caring for yourself. Finding places to be seen and heard in your truth and vulnerability and also knowing what you are a YES and NO to.

There are many more things that I could have written but this is what wants to come through me right now. It is a journey that is unique for everyone of us. Trust that you will be supported and guided.