COMING HOME
I was thinking how close England were to winning to European Cup recently and how the words coming home are used. How excited everyone was at the thought of bringing it home, how we gathered in communities to support the team and how many emotions were brought to the surface.
I reflected on my own journey of coming home to my truth. How I also need community and support but ultimately it is a journey only I can travel. I see more clearly now that everything happening in my life is part of my journey. I thought about the 6 or so years of being anorexic and remembered how painful it was for me to get though every day, writing these words is brining up emotion of sadness and I now know that these pass as they just have, I am not my emotions, they are meant to move through me.
ATTACHED
I suppose in the past I thought that a divine lover would enter my life and even though there would be challenges to work through the majority of it would flow and be easy. And I suppose if I had integrated my wounds to the extent that they didn’t show up in my life that may well be the case, but I am not there yet.
I read the book Attached recently about attachment styles (really recommend). There are 3 types secure, anxious and avoidant. Being single it was easier to think that I may well be much more secure these day, I mean I’ve done loads of work surely entering a relationship I will act more
MAKING MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF OTHERS
I was lying in bed this morning when my dog Izzy came in. As normal she came to the side of my bed to be stroked. I was tired and needed more rest and normally I would turn away from her and she would accept this but today she was licking her mouth and I noticed that I imagined something was wrong with her, that she was feeling anxious. She has had a lot of ailments and I notice that I often find it difficult to know what do to and feel responsible for her wellbeing.
I lay onto my back with a hand on her and started to connect my breathing. I know that this always brings me to presence and helps me integrate what I am experiencing.
ARE YOU BEING SET UP?
Did you know that every time something or someone upsets you you are being set up? Who or whatever upsets you is showing you what you need to integrate. They are just the messenger, and how many times have we heard: don’t shoot the messenger!!
Now that sounds pretty easy but it isn’t. We are not taught how to respond, we are taught to react. It sort of feels better if we blame someone else for how we are feeling too. In the last few days I have been triggered several times and I would like to share one of the experiences so maybe it can help you too.
STEPPING INTO TRUTH
I am being guided to step into leadership and it scares the hell out of me. What if I can’t give people the answers they want? What if I mess up? What if people don’t receive a “good|” experience bla bla bla. All reflections of the not good enough wound and the belief that I am responsible for others peoples experience. And while it is great to be aware of these beliefs that are holding me back it’s not so good to keep them running the show.
I recently wrote a letter to myself about all that I admired in myself. One theme that kept repeating itself was that every time I feel called to do something, feel terrified and do it, something deep happens inside me. A feeling of returning home to the truth of who I am
SHARING YOUR FANTASIES
This is a fantasy shared by a friend and lover of mine. He shared that he previously thought fantasies were something he wanted to happen in reality and has realised that this was not the case, that fantasy can go beyond the need for reality.
I notice with clients that sharing their fantasies can be extremely healing, that could mean just expressing or talk about the posibility of acting it out. Please get in touch if you want to explore this. Enjoy reading this fantasy and notice what you notice about yourself.
The COVID ban is lifted and I am walking down a street in a new European city. The sun shines and I am thirsty, so I sit at a table in a café at the side of the road.
SELF WORTH AND EXPANSIVE PLEASURE
I had a realisation this morning about myself and I therefore imagine that many others will experience the same even though they may not yet be conscious of it. And we are all different so this may not be the case for others.
There is a direct correlation between my self worth and the expansive orgasmic pleasure I experience. This is connected to my feeling of safety.
Contractive orgasmic states are different from expansive orgasmic states. Contractive based, as the name applies, is created by contacting while moving towards pleasure, often we stop breathing and the focus is to orgasm. This can be a clitoral orgasm or an orgasm from internal stimulation ie g-spot, p-spot, a-spot or anal. After a peak there is a loss of energy and it can take time to build it again.
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE REFLECTING?
Most of us know that whatever is happening outside us is a reflection of within. We may consciously want something however keep attracting something different. This is because we are unconsciously attracting what we actually need (not want) to become whole. Not that we are broken, we just all have unintegrated emotions, it is part of being human and why we are here.
I had a conversation with my teacher (male) and another women. We talked about parenting and in particular about being a mother. I noticed that I had judgements about my teacher physically leaving his children at an early age. I shared this which felt vulnerable and scary and at the same
TRUST
This is a big topic, and books, let alone blogs can be written about this. What I want to talk about in this blog is my trust in men as a woman, this is a topic that is continuously arising for me.
Interestingly my ego tells me not to speak up, not to share my truth, that my story is childish, stupid, that I am the only one that feels like that, that most other women have it more together, that I will get judged and laughed at by others if I speak up and just writing this makes me feel sad and I feel tears wanting to move through me and tension in my body. The deeper I go into myself meeting the truth of who I am the more I can feel and hear the whispers of spirit guiding me, it could be messages from a book telling me it is time to rise, to stand up and speak, or during a breathwork session where I am guided step by step. Recently I was told that spirit speaks through my voice and it’s time to share it, share it all!!
DIVINE LOVER
Sounds good doesn’t it? What do those words make you think of? sacred union, a melting of 2 into 1, connecting to the divine, surrounding of golden light, bliss or maybe something completely different.
Those were my ideas of what a divine lover would be like. We would be able to make true love that opens our hearts and heals our bodies. We would be surrounded by golden light and merge with the divine.
When reaching higher states of consciousness through meditation or breathing my divine lover and I both experience these states with each other. In reality in our physical bodies it’s a different story…….