Yesterday my phone rings, I don’t recognise the number, I pick it up and hear the words: are you available today? I know those words are from someone looking for a tantra massage, someone looking to do deeper work would present themselves in a very different way. I respond no I am not and that I do not offer tantric massages as I imagine that is what he wants. I share that my sessions are different, we go on a deeper journey within so that you can connect to yourself and the pleasure that is within you not outside yourself. He says: You’re hot I would love to see your lips round my cock. Even writing this now I can feel my nervous system reacting, I feel every cell in my body pulsating and there is particular attention in my belly, I also notice my heart rate is increased. Being in fight/flight state I respond that this is not what I offer and we finish the conversation.
Later the anger starts to arise. I know it is there because a boundary was overstepped and I know that in that moment I could not access it as I was in fight/flight mode. My amazing body did what it could to keep me safe and removed me from the situation, but I did not in that moment feel safe enough to have access to my full range of emotions. We need to be on the safe side of the nervous system to truly feel all that is there. It is simply impossible to access if there is any perceived danger. Unconsciously many of us live in a the unsafe side of the nervous system. My work helps clients move into the safe side so that they can connect to all of themselves including the feeling of pleasure.
Later in the day my amazing masseuse who I am collaborating with to receive what I want gave me the most amazing session. When it comes too being done to by a man, in this instance touch, there is deep remembering in my cellar memory of being touched for them, not for me. Especially when it comes to sexuality. I know this guy and I know that he is in complete service for me, yet my body is still unsure. We explore this and create ways for my body to feel totally safe so that I can surrender to his touch. The way he used a towel to cover my genitals and also my breasts made me feel honoured and precious. The anger I felt earlier arose when he was working at the back of my heart, the place where I receive and not always what I want. After the session we talk about how he as a man knows that sexual response but he chooses not to react and share.
I have received countless cock shots, videos and requests that made my body feel unsafe. The “not enough” wound in me thought I had to change how I felt about it rather than what was coming towards me, it was the same when it came to touch.
These days it is different. I know that my body is telling me what I am a yes or no to. I shared with the guy how I felt, he apologised telling me that this was what he thought Tantra was. Ironically Tantra is about honouring and for so many years the female has not been honoured, she has been sexualised. I know I have played my part in that game, but I am throwing that towel in the ring. It is time to change.