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I do feel a little bit of shame around this subject and I imagine it is more shameful for men as it is less accepted to be a male predator.

I know that unless I fully accept EVERY part of me, the so called “good” and the so called “bad” I can never truly love and accept myself for who I am. I also know that behind every “bad” part of me there is a good intention and a part of me that is trying to keep me safe. I have built these walls for a reason and now I am willing to gently break them down. 

I check out men when I walk into a room. I also check out women, but that’s another topic for another time. On the streets I do the same, even on social media I find myself looking at photos of guys. I may engage with men for seconds, minutes, hours, months or years until I or they feel it is time to change or let go. My pattern has been that I have made that choice, I imagine I have not allowed anyone to reject me so I made the first move. I have been in committed relationships and checked out other guys, not so much in the beginning when I was madly in love, but when that veil started lifting. 

Is there something biological that makes me look to procreate and therefore I am searching? I do think there maybe is something in that and if you have read my previous blogs about peak orgasms I imagine there may be a link between them and looking outside for new potential partners.

But deep down I feel the reason I pray on men is because I am looking for that deep connection with another soul. My previous relationships have not given me what my soul was longing for, I got caught up in co dependant relationships because of my own wounds. These wounds came up to be healed but at the time I did not have the knowledge and resources to heal them. I spent a lot of time looking for someone on the outside to love and heal me. I had a real wake up call 2 years ago which made me realise that I am the only one who can heal myself. Since then my journey has been to go deeper into myself in many different ways. To really honour and treat myself with love and respect, learning that I do not need anyone to fulfil me, but I do need others to help and support me. I want that deeper connection with another soul. I feel the magnetic force inside me drawn towards men. It is scary and vulnerable to truly let someone in and I want it, so I look at men searching to find the one I can go there with. 

I must admit that my journey of self love has changed the way I look at men. I still look but I trust that the right person will be brought to me, I don’t have to desperately search any more. 

If you pray on women or men I would love to hear your story. I see you, I hear you and I feel you too.