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This is a huge one for me. It goes very deep and into all sorts of emotions. I imagine it’s a taboo subject. One I feel a lot of shame around which is why I am writing this blog. Shame breeds in secrecy so I want to put it out there!

I imagine this wound was triggered in me in this life when I was 2 1/2. My brother was born and I went from being a single child to “loosing” my mother in many ways. My brother was very ill which effected my mothers health too and physically she was not there for me. She also suffers from self rejection so it is much easier for her to love my brother who is a boy. Being female meant that she had to reject me too. My dad was and still is emotionally disabled and I imagine that I didn’t feel safe around him. 

Move the clock forward 15 years and I had my first experience of feeling jealous. Watching the video Girls on Film made me imagine that my boyfriend would think they were more desirable than me. I obviously never shared that with him, just sat with the punch in the stomach. 

Into my twenties and thirties this pattern continued and I was totally projecting my issues onto my partners. I could manipulate and twist situations to make them work in my favour and prove I was “right”. I would compare myself with other women and either judge them to be better than me and therefore reject myself, or for me to be better than them and reject them. There was this sort of feeling of “he is mine and you are a threat”. 

It was very much a superficial thing and looks were crucial. What I looked like and my ability to attract attention was very important to me. I valued myself on the attention I received. I had breast implants thinking it was for me, but today I realise that if I had loved myself I would never have done that to my body. 

In my forties I started to realise that my jealousy was my problem and nothing to do with my partner. I started to take responsibility for myself and stopped projecting. It definitely stopped some arguments but it was still painful. I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while now and am observing that I am still comparing myself with other women. Thinking why am I doing this? And noticing that it is such a deep pattern that it is totally ingrained in me. 

And it is not just in intimate relationships this theme arrises, it can turn up anywhere I question myself. As a therapist. As a friend. As a mother, I could go on.  However it is in my intimate relationships that the feeling totally debilitates me. It has the feeling of “there is not enough for me”, “my needs are not valid and I am not worthy of asking for what I want”, “their needs are more important than mine”, “I have to override my needs to please them”. It puts me in a freeze state and I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. It almost feels like I am going to die. Just writing about this emotion brings it up in me. It’s so deep I am sure it goes back many lifetimes.

I want to heal this wound and have been going even deeper into it. I am very fortunate that I am constantly guided as to what it means and where I need to go. I have realised the anger and hate I feel towards women. It saddens me writing this and I want to own it. I hate every woman who has ever threatened me. I am angry at at her for threatening to take away what is mine. To truly love women I need to own my hate towards them. I know I need to express to my mum that I hate her for what she has done. I imagine that will be difficult. 

If you want to join me and go deeper into this wound please get in touch.