Do you feel as though you are controlled? Even in a subtle way. That things just happen, that you have to go along with things you don’t really want to do. Could be something small like having to take the dog out every day or wash your plate after a meal. It could be getting on the same bus every day or walking the same route to take you somewhere. It could be doing things for other people that you feel you have to for all sorts of different reasons. As if you are on autopilot, you don’t stop up and ask yourself is this something I really want to do and if not what do I really want. 

I imagine at a very early age we learn to go along with things that happen in our life. Pre verbal we can’t express when we want our nappies changed, when we are hungry, in pain and who we do or do not want to be touched by. When we are young children and growing up our parents get us to do what they think is best for us and some times that is needed. The other day I was observing a child who wanted to play in a waterfall, the mother didn’t let him to keep him safe. I later saw another child wanting to be carried by his mother as he was tired, she kept telling him that no he wasn’t and that he had to walk. 

When we learn that we can’t have what we want we try different tactics to have our needs met. When I was at the dentist recently a 3 year old wanted to go upstairs to the toilet for the second time. Her mother kept telling her that she did need it as she had just been and then looked over to me and told me that she wanted to play on the stairs because they lived in a bungalow. She had already learnt that she couldn’t be clear about what she wanted and had to find another way. 

And then we unconsciously take these patterns with us into adult life and keep repeating them. For me the process of bringing consciousness to them has helped me firstly bring awareness to them and then gently untangle them. It’s a journey, it doesn’t happen overnight. 

I was noticing very recently that I ended up in a situation where I made myself feel controlled. I knew it had nothing to do with the other person and the situation very much reminded me of the way I used to interact with my ex partner. Funnily enough it also reminds me of my relationship with my father and to some extent brother and mother. I felt angry and frustrated and was arguing with this person trying to be “right” and noticing that my interpretation of “right” was so different to his. We were both in an emotional state and digging a deeper grave for ourselves. I had to take some time to scream and physically let go of all this anger and tune into my needs and what I was feeling. My old pattern would have got me going back to “resolve” the issue once things had settled down, but I was feeling that too much of my energy was being used in the process so I decided to walk away. 

I know it will arise again and that is ok. I am willing to take responsibility for my emotions and I have choice now, I didn’t when I was younger. Choice is something I feel very passionate about and will be running workshops in Newcastle.