Many of us reach out to teachers, books, courses etc to expand and grow. Yes there is definitely some amazing teachings there however one thing I have learnt on this journey is that what is right for one, may not be right for another. The challenge is to look inside for the answers. 

 I would like to share a deep and personal story around this that carries a lot of emotions for me amongst them shame in the hope that sharing will help support you in some way by reading it and also help me by putting it out there.

If you have read my previous blogs you will know that I am recovering from co dependancy, love addiction, self hate, wounds of rejection and abandonment etc. I suppose one thing these have in common is that I have always felt there is something wrong with me and I was looking at the outside world for love.

I would spend a lot of energy trying to get it “right” which really meant right in the terms of what I believed others thought about me. I would work hard, push myself through education, thrash myself in the gym so my body would look nice, control what I was eating to stay slim, wear clothes that enhanced my figure but the thing I feel most ashamed about doing is having my breasts enlarged. Just writing the words makes my heart beat faster and my body contract. I will admit that to start with they did make me feel better about myself, which is why I imagine we do these sorts of things to ourselves. And I was, in a very roundabout sort of way, trying to love myself. 

But there was this underlying shame that said: you are not real, you are fake, women with real breasts, no matter what size are better than you, who do you think you are showing off something that isn’t really yours. You should be ashamed of yourself doing something like that. Then there were voices creating fear: these implants are toxic, they will make you ill, the reason you are tired is because of them, how stupid of you to do that to yourself. I am sure there were many more comments but I think you’ll get the idea.

Connecting with my breasts through touch has definitely helped me soften my relationship with them but something still didn’t feel right. I was struggling to ask to have my breasts touched by others due to the shame I mentioned and I hadn’t really voiced this to many people. I wasn’t sure if I should have the implants removed, not sure how that would make me feel, but I also felt that having another op would be traumatising for my body and I didn’t want to do that unless I was 100% sure. When I asked my higher self and people close to me for advice the same answer always came back: love them. But how???????

Recently I saw someone on Facebook was preparing to have her implants removed. She posted a lot about her “toxic bags” and how she couldn’t wait to get them out as they were causing her physical problems. I didn’t really want to read much but got tempted, as you can imagine all the fear started to kick in again! And I knew that in itself could cause me to manifest physical issues. 

I recently shared the shame I felt with a group of very supportive friends which helped me enormously. A few weeks later I was mediating and sending the energy and love I was feeling out to others. My friends sister came to mind who had recently had a kidney transplant and I sent out hope that she would accept and not reject her new kidney. Then it dawned on me, that was exactly what I was doing, I was rejecting a part of myself because of all these stories I had. My implants are a part of me because of choices I have made in the past. If I can love and accept myself despite all that, including my implants then I can truly love and accept every part of me. My implants are my biggest lesson to love myself. They are my medicine.

Get in touch if you need help finding your medicine.