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So we all sort of know that the root of all our problems come from not loving ourselves, but what the f… does that really mean? 

As a young adult I did not understand what love was. I needed someone to love me to feel enough and as you can imagine it was never enough. It meant that I lost myself trying to give to others because deep down I felt unworthy of having my needs met. It all happened unconsciously and I wasn’t even aware what my needs were, everyone (including me) thought I was this easy going person that would go with and do what everyone else wanted. 

This was a pattern that stayed with me until very recently actually and I am noticing that I feel ashamed to share this. If I am totally honest I am scared that I still have this pattern and am frightened of letting someone into my life to test this out! I can feel the fear in my stomach as I write this. I know that this feeling is my inner child and I am going to take some time out to give her what she needs before continuing this blog. 

So I lay on the sofa under a blanket with one hand on my stomach and another on my heart. I feel the fear and listen to the stories in my head: I am frightened you won’t listen to me, I am frightened you will give your power to someone else, I am frightened you won’t speak up. I keep breathing into the feeling accepting it as part of me and really allowing myself to feel it. I use my voice while breathing in a way that feels right for me and after about 5 minutes my kundalini energy starts moving through me. I allow this beautiful sensual energy to move through me and afterwards I feel very peaceful. There was still a little fear in my stomach, very often there is, and that is totally ok. I appreciate every sensation good and bad in my body as for years I have stuffed them down and not wanted to feel them. I will admit that I prefer the good feelings and I am getting better at being with the so-called “bad” feelings. 

That for me is an act of self love. Actually sometimes I think it is better if we use the word care rather than love as most of us don’t understand what love really is. So that was an act of caring for myself. I created a safe supportive space, listened to my body and gave myself what I needed. Yes that is reparenting myself. I wasn’t parented in the way I needed and therefore I have to do this for myself. My inner child gets stuck in the hamster wheel and I can gently show her a way off, even if it only temporarily. 

I believe it is very important to be kind and gentle to ourselves. The unloved part of us is a young child and we need to tune into what the child needs to be supported in any given situation. Often we tend to project whatever we are feeling out onto others. Someone says or does something that makes us feel “bad” and we blame them. Knowing that everything I experience is just mirroring something unloved and unaccepted inside of me has took me a while got fully get to grips with but I am getting there. I find it very useful to use communication to others to express my reality and also understand the other persons reality. For example a client triggered me today by wanting me to answer questions about my pussy being tight or not. I had imaginations in my head about this guy but decided to share these with him and ask for his reality of what was going on between us. As you can imagine it was different to what I was imagining and this gave me more understanding and sympathy towards him rather than judging him to be something I was imagining based on my previous experiences with men.

Because this lack of love comes from a place of I am not enough I often find that people don’t prioritise themselves. For me it was as if I suddenly reached a tipping point and after that it got easier and easier to do things and spend time just for me. I have “me days” at least once a week. I spend hours in bed sinking deeper into self love, I am getting better at tuning into myself and asking for what I want and I am getting better at saying no to others or comprising to suit myself. 

It is very much a personal journey and what works for me may not be what you need but if this resonates with you and you feel you need some support in finding your way towards self care please reach out.

Much love