I have many amazing clients but one in particular has been on a long, windy, beautiful, painful, pleasurable, vulnerable, expansive journey with me over the last few years. If I was to describe him without using his name the words gentle man spring to mind.

So gentle man came to me, I imagine, searching for growth, knowing there was something more available than what he had experienced in life so far. Like so many of my clients he was in a relationship where his female partner no longer was interested or wanted sex. They had a beautiful close loving relationship, more of a companionship but he felt that he needed more than that. 

It is very interesting that so many men come to me telling me that they want more intimacy thinking that intimacy means being physically close and connected.  When I explain what intimacy really means IN TO ME SEE they find it difficult to go there. And guys I don’t blame you, it is extremely vulnerable to be able to speak your truth and be seen in your darkness and light in your shadows and strength. You have been brought up to believe that is is “girly” to be emotional and vulnerable and that it is “bad” to be girly. I am a women and find it difficult to be seen in my darkness and shadows and I am learning that they are all part of who I am and being able to hold and accept them is a journey of self love. 

Gentle man is willing to go there but it has took some time, we had to build trust first. In our early sessions we got caught up in pleasure. Then we progressed into expressing desires and limitations. This did cause some pain and meant that we had to spend time apart before coming together. When we came together again coming from a place of communicating how we felt and being able to take responsibly for whatever was happening between us our bond and trust grew stronger. 

We really do live in our own imaginary world. Whatever we are experiencing is a reflection of what is going on inside ourselves. We all have wounds of rejection and abandonment within us, wether we consciously realise this or not. When these arise it is the wounded child in us that is acting out rather than the functional adult. I imagine that the men I see in sexless relationships feel rejected, a wound they are carrying into the relationship to be healed. Maybe the partner feels abandoned and that her needs are not being met, again a wound she is carrying with her into the relationship to be healed. As a women I have felt like that in relationships due to my experiences as a child. I was somehow hoping that the other person would magically know what my needs were and care for me in the way I needed. Things weren’t expressed and I suffered in silence becoming the victim. 

Through my journey I now know that the only way for me to find happiness and have my needs met is trough radical self responsibility. Noticing how I feel, expressing it to the other and asking to have my needs met. I also need to be able to say NO to others, which is not easy being a recovering people pleaser. I can only have a clear yes when I have a clear no. I have also learnt that love is inside me not outside and I can give myself all that I need. 

So gentle man and I take responsibility for ourselves, we communicate and we honour and respect each other. We know that it’s not all about feeling “good”, feeling “bad” is just as important. We trust ourselves to stay true and do not abandon ourselves and if we slip up we communicate that and learn. Creating this safe space for ourselves and each other we are able to go to some truly magical places.