Anger, rage, frustration has been arising for me recently and I see how this has shown itself to me in the experiences I've had with others. Yesterday I realise that a lady who I knew from where I used to live had killed her husband. This woman was a lollipop lady where my kids went to school. She was shy and quiet and was also the rainbow leader of the group that my youngest went to. When she wanted to retire from this role as a leader I took it on and learnt from her. She was not like most mums in the area, but she is definitely not a murderer. I imagine that the rage within her towards her husband and the abuse that she had had to live with for over 50 years eventually made her kill him. 

I am noticing how angry and sad I am at the way women are sexualised. I went to a party last week and an adult man in his 50's can't keep his hands or eyes to himself. I know this is who he is and I know that he does not like me because I am too honest. And I feel distraught that everyone thinks this sort of behaviour is ok! Everyone is playing the oh that's just …… game ha ha. That's the way he is, can't keep his eyes off women's tits, can't keep his dick in his pants …….. WTF! His wife couldn't be present because she had to look after the granddaughter, probably a good thing as I may have said something inappropriate. I know that they are unconsciously playing this game with each other but it really angers and saddens me it is happening and it saddens me that his 2 daughters (1 with her) is aware and playing this game too. I judge that this family really needs a man they can trust.

Yesterday my phone rings, I don’t recognise the number, I pick it up and hear the words: are you available today? I know those words are from someone looking for a tantra massage, someone looking to do deeper work would present themselves in a very different way. I respond no I am not and that I do not offer tantric massages as I imagine that is what he wants. I share that my sessions are different, we go on a deeper journey within so that you can connect to yourself and the pleasure that is within you not outside yourself. He says: You’re hot I would love to see your lips round my cock. Even writing this now

6 years ago I found myself travelling to London following my gut. I had no idea what was going to unfold in front of me but I knew I needed to go. I had come across Tantra very briefly and knew there was something in that I needed to explore. Something that I needed to learn and bring to my community. I had no idea what it was. I had signed up to be a Tantric Journey educator and was on my way to do level 1. I book a hotel nearby and notice how insecure I feel arriving late in the evening and not knowing my surroundings. I find the hotel eventually and plan my route for the following morning.

You really have choice at any given moment. I know it sometimes doesn’t feel like that, that life is on auto pilot and that you have to do this that or the other. And yes for most of us life can feel like an ever ending unfolding journey of events we don’t really have choice over. Maybe this is what childhood feels like for us and we take it into adulthood. But as adults we have choice and are responsible for what we choose. We will still be living in past conditioning but we can now choose to step out of that and live a life we choose. 

For some reason you are choosing to read this right now. Why are you doing that? Maybe you have read something before I have written and liked it, maybe this somehow found you

Do you stop and think who anything you are doing is for? The deeper I go on my journey of self discovery the more often I find myself doing that. 

Today is 10 years since my husband passed. My mother also passed precisely a month ago. There are a lot of emotions moving through me and I judge that as a good thing. My daughter said that she read that grief is the sadness of unexpressed love. I like that, it feels true, grief and joy are very closely connected. Feeling grief and sadness when it arrises can feel terribly heavy in the moment, but within that heaviness there is a softening, a release, an opening. 

I have just stepped in to 2022 with a feeling that this year will bring many opportunities and experiences that will help me expand and grow and the first one has hit me, I feel so confused in this moment of writing.

Divine lover was not able or willing to give me the relationship I want. He also has avoidant traits which makes me anxious. I didn’t see the attachment issues as a huge problem as I do believe that they can be worked through in relating, and I know I am here to heal attachment and relationship wounds. But that he wasn’t willing to commit I saw as an issue because I feel I need that safety to able to relax deeper into the container of growth that our relationship is.

I write this in deep gratitude for my divine lover, you know who you are. I feel so grateful our paths have crossed, I know it was part of our souls journey, meeting you was like pulling a joker card. The moment I first felt you I knew we had met before and that we were meant to have experiences together in this life. I saw your strength and beauty and also the pain that you carry, I saw you as whole.

I am so grateful for the way you could hold me when emotions were souring through me. I love how I could trust you to not overstep my boundary, you have no idea how much that meant to me and the healing process for everyone past, present and future who ever had or will have a boundary overstepped. I love how you could accept me even though you thought I was a bit loopy.

Fear seems to be rife at the moment. Fear of covid, fear of the vaccine, fear of the system, fear of it crumbling and I imagine fear happens when we don’t feel safe, when we don’t trust, when we don’t feel we have choice and when we can no longer control. 

The nervous system of the planet is recalibrating, so is ours and it is not pleasant!

I feel this within me too, do you? I feel that my fear is moving to the next level. There is huge resistance to the fear,  like a fear of the fear, a fear of letting go and surrendering to what is there, a need to hang on and control. And isn’t it interesting how we may want change but it is also SSSOO comforting staying

I was thinking how close England were to winning to European Cup recently and how the words coming home are used. How excited everyone was at the thought of bringing it home, how we gathered in communities to support the team and how many emotions were brought to the surface.

I reflected on my own journey of coming home to my truth. How I also need community and support but ultimately it is a journey only I can travel. I see more clearly now that everything happening in my life is part of my journey. I thought about the 6 or so years of being anorexic and remembered how painful it was for me to get though every day, writing these words is brining up emotion of sadness and I now know that these pass as they just have, I am not my emotions, they are meant to move through me.