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Recently shame around sexual fantasies has come up quite a lot, so I’ve decided to write about it. Clients have approached me wanting to work on their fantasies and friends have also opened up about fantasies they have never talked about before. SHAME breeds in SECRECY, so lets get it out in the open! 

Sexual fantasies don’t seem to be top of the topic list at a dinner party or a night out. A while ago I brought up the topic on a girlie night out. A few jaws dropped, no one gave anything away and I was told that I wouldn’t be looking after any of their dogs in the future……. We’ve all got deep dark fantasies, but no one seems to be talking about them. If they do come up we pretend that we don’t have any, that we only fantasise about our partners, or if we might give away what is seen as a “normal” fantasy. 

We think that our deep dark sexual thoughts are weird, perverse and deep down we feel shame about them. We think they might indicate that there is something wrong with us or our relationships. But the truth is sexual fantasies are absolutely normal and part of being a sexual being. Sexual fantasies are nearly universal, being reported in many societies across the globe. Research reveals that 9 out of 10 fantasise (and maybe the remaining are too embarrassed to admit it). 95% of these have never detailed their fantasies to another person. That is such a pity, sharing your fantasies with your partner can spice up your sex life, its such fun to play with. 

Shame and guilt about the “perverse” nature of our fantasies make us suffer in silence. Yes our fantasies can include sex with our partner but rape, voyeurism, bondage, incest and sadomasochism are also parts of the varied fantasies that we have. 

Fantasies allow us to pretend, they have no limits. They give us permission to have sex with whoever we want, to do whatever turns us on. They can help arouse us. Our minds are a safe place to play and explore. They can also, but not necessarily,  be linked to our deep fears and childhood trauma. Maybe you have been hit by a parent as a child and in adulthood the thought of being controlled and spanked turns you on. A fantasy that I have had a lot is my partner with another woman. It turns me on in a fantasy world, in real life it frightens me, well not really these days, but it used to. 

Lets start talking about our fantasies. There is nothing to be ashamed of. My friend, who is letting go of her shame shared her sexual fantasy. It was great, I actually used it the same evening and slightly adapted it to my liking. Start sharing them with your partner. You can keep them in you mind and play with them or even act them out in real life (depending on what they are). I can guarantee you won’t look back.   

I know there might be some of you reading this thinking: I’ve tried telling my partner and I’m made to feel there is something wrong with me, that i’m a pervert. Be aware that on some level you believe that you are. This was probably something you were brought up to believe. Therefore that is what you attract into your life. Embarking on your Emotional Detox Journey will help you release those negative emotions that keep you stuck. Will help you realise that its ok to be you, in every shape and form. With every thought and emotion you have.